Bad dreams. Hate em. I've had a lot of them lately. Usually I talk about them with my therapist, but I'm not going to be seeing my usual therapist anymore. I'm feeling really nervous about it.
When she first told me that she couldn't see me anymore it felt surreal. I knew what she was saying, but it didn't feel like that could ever happen. I'm going to see her tomorrow, but that will be my last appointment. It started to hit me two days ago. The reality of it. It connected with me that I'll only see her one more time and it's created a panic inside myself.
I knew parts were upset, but I've been able to push through it. I've been able to block out and fake what was coming. Not anymore. Now it feels like I'm constantly having a panic attack. My heart is racing and racing. It won't slow down. My breathing is shallow and fast. I try to concentrate on it so that I can calm down, but the more I try and calm down the more anxious I get about what's coming.
How can I do this? How can I start over with someone new? How can I reconnect with someone in a way like I've connected with her? She's been my rock for the past 3 years. She's gotten me through so many things. She's helped parts feel safe. She's helped me feel safe. She's shown me the person I want to be when I am through all this shit. She's helped me see, at times, that I can get there.
Back to the dreams. I need some advise. Sometimes thinking out loud helps me come up with my own solutions. I'm hoping that this is one of those times. Now that I'm not seeing the one person I trust with these dreams, how to I cope with them? I've tried the techniques my therapist taught me, but it isn't working yet. I feel like I'm not ready to put them where they need to go without guidance, but I don't feel like I have anyone else to have help me through them.
Dreams and not having my safe haven. It is consuming me.
