Expectations

 Expectations are funny things.  I want to think that I don't expect a lot from others, but maybe I do.

I usually enjoy being with others.  I hear about people that have all these wonderful friends that help them get through hard times.  I have great friends.  I don't have many, but the ones I have I love.  After a lot of thought I've found the problem.  Me.  Shocking I know.

I am a complainer in this department.  I complain a lot about how lonely I am and about how busy other people are.  A lot, most, okat all of the problem stems back to me.

The problem begins when I start having a hard time.  I find that I don't ask for help.  I don't let people know that I'm struggling.  I don't know why I do this.  Maybe it's because I'm embarrassed that I struggle.  Stupid.  Everyone struggles and it's okay if they do, but I tend to think that I am the exception to the rule.  It's not alright for me to struggle.  So I hide.  I become overly busy, when often I am just making up that I'm busy so that people don't see me fighting to stay afloat.  Then guess what I do.  I get feeling sorry for myself because people don't help me.  Lame.  They don't even know that I need help!

I've started asking for help.  It's hard.  Really hard.  A lot of the time they still can't be there.  I need to be okay with that.  I need to make a list of things people can do when they are able to help me.  When asked what they can do, my usual response is "probably nothing".  I feel like that a lot.  There really isn't much people can do.  I have expectations of them helping me, but how?  I don't even know.  Here are a few things that I think would help on a typical day.

-Help with my kids

-Spending time with me

-Big hugs

Hmm.  Short list, but that's all I can think of right now.  My kids, and the noise that comes with them, sometimes is too much for me.  A quiet break helps me calm down.  Hugs are awesome.  I love hugs from people I trust.  I wasn't hugged as a child and it's something that really helps me feel loved.  When I feel especially sad I like to curl up on the couch and put my head on someones lap.  I sometimes lay on my kids lap, but they just laugh and move their legs.  They can't seem to sit still for more than a few seconds at a time.

To sum it up, I guess I expect others to fix my being sad.  I don't know how they can, but I want them to.  Not very realistic.

Bed

I have spent the day in bed.  I didn't get up until about 2 when my husband literally drug me out of bed.  He drug my body across the floor while I tried to pull away.  I was pathetic really.  I was gabbing walls with my feet as I was pulled past them.  It took him 45 minutes to get me in the car.  All because I didn't want to get up.  I didn't want to face the day.  It seemed too hard.  And it was.

I wish someone were here.  I'm afraid to be alone.  I want someone to just come sit.  Someone that I feel comfortable with so it doesn't feel awkward to be silent.  I don't want to talk.  I don't want noise.  I want a shoulder to cry on.  I want someone to understand how hard life is right now.  I don't need them to fix it.  I'm realizing that it probably can't be fixed.  I'm a fighter, but giving up seems so easy.