Expectations are funny things. I want to think that I don't expect a lot from others, but maybe I do.
I usually enjoy being with others. I hear about people that have all these wonderful friends that help them get through hard times. I have great friends. I don't have many, but the ones I have I love. After a lot of thought I've found the problem. Me. Shocking I know.
I am a complainer in this department. I complain a lot about how lonely I am and about how busy other people are. A lot, most, okat all of the problem stems back to me.
The problem begins when I start having a hard time. I find that I don't ask for help. I don't let people know that I'm struggling. I don't know why I do this. Maybe it's because I'm embarrassed that I struggle. Stupid. Everyone struggles and it's okay if they do, but I tend to think that I am the exception to the rule. It's not alright for me to struggle. So I hide. I become overly busy, when often I am just making up that I'm busy so that people don't see me fighting to stay afloat. Then guess what I do. I get feeling sorry for myself because people don't help me. Lame. They don't even know that I need help!
I've started asking for help. It's hard. Really hard. A lot of the time they still can't be there. I need to be okay with that. I need to make a list of things people can do when they are able to help me. When asked what they can do, my usual response is "probably nothing". I feel like that a lot. There really isn't much people can do. I have expectations of them helping me, but how? I don't even know. Here are a few things that I think would help on a typical day.
-Help with my kids
-Spending time with me
-Big hugs
Hmm. Short list, but that's all I can think of right now. My kids, and the noise that comes with them, sometimes is too much for me. A quiet break helps me calm down. Hugs are awesome. I love hugs from people I trust. I wasn't hugged as a child and it's something that really helps me feel loved. When I feel especially sad I like to curl up on the couch and put my head on someones lap. I sometimes lay on my kids lap, but they just laugh and move their legs. They can't seem to sit still for more than a few seconds at a time.
To sum it up, I guess I expect others to fix my being sad. I don't know how they can, but I want them to. Not very realistic.
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