So, I've decided a couple of things. First. You might think that by having parts one might be less lonely. Wrong. I think that having parts makes someone more lonely. That's how it feels for me anyways. I feel like because of my parts I have a hard time opening up to people and letting them see who I really am. Who we really are. It is my own fault really. I am too proud to let anyone see my vulnerable side. I don't feel proud, but I can't think of a better word to describe it. Maybe it is pride. Maybe it's embarrassment. Maybe it's fear. I'm starting to learn what all these emotions mean. I understand the definitions I think, but attaching the emotion to them makes them completely different.
Growing up I was never allowed to feel emotion. If I were to feel an emotion I would be punished. Always with the negative emotions and often with positive emotion. Any emotion besides walking around like a smiling zombie was considered bad. When bad things would happen I knew how to push those feelings away and appeared to deal with things well. I realize that instead of dealing with that as a child I have been burying those and now it feels even more painful then before to try and feel them or even simply recognize them. I am taking it slow, but I'm trying to figure out how to cope with feelings. It feels like they are going to kill me when I begin to feel them. Then up comes the wall. Does anyone have advise for this?
The second thing I've decided is that there is a purpose for ALL people. Some people are there simply to be a bad example. They teach us what not to do. I try really hard to not be the kind of parent my parents were. I know that I am not perfect and that I make my own stupid mistakes, but I want to be damn sure I don't make the same stupid ass mistakes as my so called loved ones. As I said. Some people are around to simply be idiots so that we don't make the same mistakes.
