Two Things

So, I've decided a couple of things.  First.  You might think that by having parts one might be less lonely.  Wrong.  I think that having parts makes someone more lonely.  That's how it feels for me anyways.  I feel like because of my parts I have a hard time opening up to people and letting them see who I really am.  Who we really are.  It is my own fault really.  I am too proud to let anyone see my vulnerable side.  I don't feel proud, but I can't think of a better word to describe it.  Maybe it is pride.  Maybe it's embarrassment.  Maybe it's fear.  I'm starting to learn what all these emotions mean.  I understand the definitions I think, but attaching the emotion to them makes them completely different.

Growing up I was never allowed to feel emotion.  If I were to feel an emotion I would be punished.  Always with the negative emotions and often with positive emotion.  Any emotion besides walking around like a smiling zombie was considered bad.  When bad things would happen I knew how to push those feelings away and appeared to deal with things well.  I realize that instead of dealing with that as a child I have been burying those and now it feels even more painful then before to try and feel them or even simply recognize them.  I am taking it slow, but I'm trying to figure out how to cope with feelings.  It feels like they are going to kill me when I begin to feel them.  Then up comes the wall.  Does anyone have advise for this?

The second thing I've decided is that there is a purpose for ALL people.  Some people are there simply to be a bad example.  They teach us what not to do.  I try really hard to not be the kind of parent my parents were.  I know that I am not perfect and that I make my own stupid mistakes, but I want to be damn sure I don't make the same stupid ass mistakes as my so called loved ones.  As I said.  Some people are around to simply be idiots so that we don't make the same mistakes.