Not so obvious change

There have been many changes happening in my life.  I wrote about change in my last post, but this one is a little different.  I've now started to try and think about things that have changed that I would not notice.  Things that aren't as obvious.  Having a baby.  That is a big obvious change.  I'm talking about subtle things.  Things like school ending.  With school ending I would be home all day.  A lot more time for things to happen.  Why is that an important yet subtle change today when I'm not in school?  Because to certain parts this was an important time of year.  Is it for me in my current life?  Not particularity, but because it was an important time to someone inside it may still be affecting my daily life.  How?  Not sure.  This is just a thought of what else might be causing my hard times.

Not only is school coming to an end, summer is starting.  So it may be a seasonal thing.  With summer, there were probably a lot more things done outside because the weather is nice.  It's not too cold to do things at night. Again.  Not a real important thing in my life right now, but to someone inside it still feels like the time when those things were happening.  They are trapped there.  It's confusing for them to hear that it's different now.  Some of them don't like to hear it because they don't think the life we have now is our real life.

I am triggered by certain summer activities as well.  Swimming (water in general), camping, vacations, flowers, etc. are all things that seem normal, but to me aren't.  It's hard because I am desperately trying to create happy, normal memories for my own children.  It seems impossible when the activities I begin with my kids are so triggering it pulls me, or parts of me, into a terrible memory that feels almost paralyzing.  Sometimes I can fake through it, but often I can't.

People.  This one is tough.  I have the tendency to take things personally.  I don't mean to and logically I know that it isn't me, but so many parts or experiences in my life have trained me to believe that people leave.  It is one of my biggest fears I think.  I have many fears so I probably shouldn't compare.  I have a battle in my own mind that goes back and forth.  One says: "They are only telling you they are busy.  They are really trying to get away from you."  The other says: "That's ridiculous.  Kids are out of school and they have a lot more going on at home."  All of my friends right now seem to be really busy with life.  It's triggering for me to have everyone so busy.  Even if I don't need them.  Knowing they are busy is enough to send me into a panic.

These are the not so obvious things in my life right now that are adding to my stress and depression.  I have no idea how to fix these things.  Frustrating.

Change

I feel like when it rains, it pours.  How many things can happen in the space of two weeks?  I am amazed.  There really isn't a point in listing all the things that have happened.  The point of it all is that change, good or bad, is often stressful.  There are many emotions that come from stress.  At least for me.  I switch emotion right now every minute, but the most constant is deep, dark depression.

What is depression?  Without looking it up, here is my definition: one of the most shitty mental states known to man.

What causes depression?  Again, without looking it up, here is my thought: anything.

Everyone has trials.  How is it that some people seem to handle the "stress" of change so well while others crumble?  I have the same questions in my own mind.  How is it that some parts handle the daily trials we have while others can't seem to function?  How can I help the ones that need it when I am struggling to open my eyes every day?  How do I know when there is a need among parts when all I can feel is the darkness that one or more of the parts feel?

With all the horrors going on in the world, why is there hope for change?  Maybe there isn't a lot of hope.  Maybe it's just change.

Having a baby

So, I thought I would see what people with DID feel like when they are about to have a baby.  I have been wondering if what I feel is normal to people with or without DID. (Some of this can apply to men with DID becoming fathers)

I already have 2 boys.  Love them.  Lots.  I am now pregnant with a girl and I am really freaked out.  I felt more excited at first, but now I am scared.  I am worried that there are many things about her that will trigger me. (Does anyone else use the word trigger?)  Here are a few of the things I am worried about.  As usual they aren't in any particular order.

1. Will looking at her remind me of myself at a young vulnerable age?  Remind me to the point of not being able to look at her, take care of her, etc.

2. If it does trigger me to an unmanageable point, will I be able to ask for the help I need or will I completely shut down and pretend like everything is fine?  That's what I often do.

3. Will changing her diaper or bathing her scare me as much or more than it did with my boys, again bringing up my own memories?

4. Will all of us, as collective parts, be able to handle the daily efforts it raise a child?  Especially in addition to the boys.

5. Will her cry scare me and send me into a memory or make me react in a way I know I will regret?

These are just a few of the things I worry about for when the baby is actually here and I am suppose to be the one in charge of her. I'm sure some of these will happen.  I can't expect them not to or to pretend everything will be easy. There are also things that are already scaring me and sending me into bad memories and terrifying flashbacks about the labor and birth aspect of it.  Without getting at all graphic, here are a few of those fears.

1. How can I stay in control when other parts are taught to come up when feeling pain or when I become extremely afraid?

2. How do I explain to my young parts what is going on?  Even when I try, they don't understand.  They just know it's scary and hurts.

3. How do I not be embarrassed if (when) I do loose control and younger parts come up?

4. How do I explain to my husband that there will be parts that want him away when he's the one that should be there holding my hand?

I know I will not be able to do this on my own. I want to be strong enough to do that, but how?  I want to have normal fears about it.  I want to be able to handle this, but it's not realistic of me.  I am scared.  I am admitting that I don't know what to do.  Do I just do my best and call it a day?  I cry hard thinking of how hard this is going to be.  Must be the hormones because I am NOT a crier.  Oh well.  At least I can blame the hormones for a few more weeks.  Then I'll know it's just me :)