There have been many changes happening in my life. I wrote about change in my last post, but this one is a little different. I've now started to try and think about things that have changed that I would not notice. Things that aren't as obvious. Having a baby. That is a big obvious change. I'm talking about subtle things. Things like school ending. With school ending I would be home all day. A lot more time for things to happen. Why is that an important yet subtle change today when I'm not in school? Because to certain parts this was an important time of year. Is it for me in my current life? Not particularity, but because it was an important time to someone inside it may still be affecting my daily life. How? Not sure. This is just a thought of what else might be causing my hard times.
Not only is school coming to an end, summer is starting. So it may be a seasonal thing. With summer, there were probably a lot more things done outside because the weather is nice. It's not too cold to do things at night. Again. Not a real important thing in my life right now, but to someone inside it still feels like the time when those things were happening. They are trapped there. It's confusing for them to hear that it's different now. Some of them don't like to hear it because they don't think the life we have now is our real life.
I am triggered by certain summer activities as well. Swimming (water in general), camping, vacations, flowers, etc. are all things that seem normal, but to me aren't. It's hard because I am desperately trying to create happy, normal memories for my own children. It seems impossible when the activities I begin with my kids are so triggering it pulls me, or parts of me, into a terrible memory that feels almost paralyzing. Sometimes I can fake through it, but often I can't.
People. This one is tough. I have the tendency to take things personally. I don't mean to and logically I know that it isn't me, but so many parts or experiences in my life have trained me to believe that people leave. It is one of my biggest fears I think. I have many fears so I probably shouldn't compare. I have a battle in my own mind that goes back and forth. One says: "They are only telling you they are busy. They are really trying to get away from you." The other says: "That's ridiculous. Kids are out of school and they have a lot more going on at home." All of my friends right now seem to be really busy with life. It's triggering for me to have everyone so busy. Even if I don't need them. Knowing they are busy is enough to send me into a panic.
These are the not so obvious things in my life right now that are adding to my stress and depression. I have no idea how to fix these things. Frustrating.
I am triggered by certain summer activities as well. Swimming (water in general), camping, vacations, flowers, etc. are all things that seem normal, but to me aren't. It's hard because I am desperately trying to create happy, normal memories for my own children. It seems impossible when the activities I begin with my kids are so triggering it pulls me, or parts of me, into a terrible memory that feels almost paralyzing. Sometimes I can fake through it, but often I can't.
People. This one is tough. I have the tendency to take things personally. I don't mean to and logically I know that it isn't me, but so many parts or experiences in my life have trained me to believe that people leave. It is one of my biggest fears I think. I have many fears so I probably shouldn't compare. I have a battle in my own mind that goes back and forth. One says: "They are only telling you they are busy. They are really trying to get away from you." The other says: "That's ridiculous. Kids are out of school and they have a lot more going on at home." All of my friends right now seem to be really busy with life. It's triggering for me to have everyone so busy. Even if I don't need them. Knowing they are busy is enough to send me into a panic.
These are the not so obvious things in my life right now that are adding to my stress and depression. I have no idea how to fix these things. Frustrating.
No comments:
Post a Comment