Faking It

Why am I able to fake doing well when I'm out and about when inside I feel like I'm a disaster?  Even at home with my family I do it.  I don't like that I do it, but I feel like it's out of my control.  Sometimes I try really hard to not do it, but it still happens.  I think in some situations it's a good thing.  I don't want everyone I meet to see how hard life is for me right now.  I still want my privacy, but when it becomes an issue is when the people that are closest to me don't know how hard my struggle is.  When I can let my guard down and don't.

I don't want people to think that I've felt this down forever.  I haven't.  I have actually been doing really well, but there have been recent things happen that have spiraled me down.  It's hard to ask for help especially when everyone thinks I'm doing well.  It's also hard because I don't know what people can do to help.  If people offer to help in some way, I honestly have no idea what they could do to be helpful.

There is some kind of switch that happens to make me do this. I'm wondering if there are other people that struggle with this.  There are a few reasons that I might be doing it.  It could be one of these or a combination of them.

One could be because when I was little I was never allowed to show how I was really feeling.  Even inside my own home.  I was programmed to hide and even though I don't need to I still do it.  When I did show my true feelings we were always punished.  In private.


It could also be because I am afraid for people to see the real me.  I don't even know if I want to see the real me sometimes.  I am afraid that when people see me they will leave.  When they see how I am they will be afraid or it will become too much for them.  It's overwhelming for me at times and I don't want to be a burden to other people or have people feel sorry for me.  I hate that.


What's a good balance?  When should I plow through and just make it seem like life is great and when should I let my guard down and cry?