Having a baby

So, I thought I would see what people with DID feel like when they are about to have a baby.  I have been wondering if what I feel is normal to people with or without DID. (Some of this can apply to men with DID becoming fathers)

I already have 2 boys.  Love them.  Lots.  I am now pregnant with a girl and I am really freaked out.  I felt more excited at first, but now I am scared.  I am worried that there are many things about her that will trigger me. (Does anyone else use the word trigger?)  Here are a few of the things I am worried about.  As usual they aren't in any particular order.

1. Will looking at her remind me of myself at a young vulnerable age?  Remind me to the point of not being able to look at her, take care of her, etc.

2. If it does trigger me to an unmanageable point, will I be able to ask for the help I need or will I completely shut down and pretend like everything is fine?  That's what I often do.

3. Will changing her diaper or bathing her scare me as much or more than it did with my boys, again bringing up my own memories?

4. Will all of us, as collective parts, be able to handle the daily efforts it raise a child?  Especially in addition to the boys.

5. Will her cry scare me and send me into a memory or make me react in a way I know I will regret?

These are just a few of the things I worry about for when the baby is actually here and I am suppose to be the one in charge of her. I'm sure some of these will happen.  I can't expect them not to or to pretend everything will be easy. There are also things that are already scaring me and sending me into bad memories and terrifying flashbacks about the labor and birth aspect of it.  Without getting at all graphic, here are a few of those fears.

1. How can I stay in control when other parts are taught to come up when feeling pain or when I become extremely afraid?

2. How do I explain to my young parts what is going on?  Even when I try, they don't understand.  They just know it's scary and hurts.

3. How do I not be embarrassed if (when) I do loose control and younger parts come up?

4. How do I explain to my husband that there will be parts that want him away when he's the one that should be there holding my hand?

I know I will not be able to do this on my own. I want to be strong enough to do that, but how?  I want to have normal fears about it.  I want to be able to handle this, but it's not realistic of me.  I am scared.  I am admitting that I don't know what to do.  Do I just do my best and call it a day?  I cry hard thinking of how hard this is going to be.  Must be the hormones because I am NOT a crier.  Oh well.  At least I can blame the hormones for a few more weeks.  Then I'll know it's just me :)