Emotional Survival

Have you ever had to depend on someone for something and been disappointed?  I gotta be honest.  I don't like depending on other people, but I often need to.  If there is something that needs to be done, I typically like to be the one that does it.  It's hard for me to count on others for things.  I think part of it is because I like to be in control.  Am I always in complete control?  No.  Do I hate it when I'm not.  Yes.

There are times in my life when I really need the help of others.  Those times come in chunks.  Times when I need people a lot and times when I don't.  Whether it's me or another part of me that need something, doesn't matter.  It's still me right?  What happens if that person can't be there?  Am I ok?  Are parts ok?  I would like to say yes.  I would like to say that we are able to work things out on our own, and in a way I guess we are.  Is it a healthy way in which we work things out?  Not really.  Do we survive through it?  Yes.  Emotionally I would say that no.  We don't emotionally survive through it every time, but does our body survive?  Yes.

Here is my question.  What do you do when you feel like you don't emotionally survive?

Here are a few coping skills that I try.  I don't think they are exactly for the emotional aspect of surviving, but they are my only coping skills.  Not all of these work and not all of them are healthy, but usually I can find one that helps a little.  It also changes every moment for what will work.  When I am especially panicked I usually start with the unhealthy ones, but if I notice the feeling coming early enough I try the healthier ones first.  It depends on how instant the feelings are and what the feelings are that make me feel like I need to do something else.  They are in no particular order.

Sleeping lots

Eating

Not eating

Cutting, burning, hitting, etc. (self harm)

Blogging

Cook

Look through my box (I'll explain this another day.)

Listen to music

Read
Take a bubble bath

Watch TV

Run

Cry

Draw

Scream

Self talk

Organize something

Call a friend

These are all things that I can do on my own.  Not things I need to depend on others for (usually).  I don't have a lot of time for these things, but when I start to panic or feel like I can't keep going, I try these.  It usually takes me trying a few of these before I find one that calms me down.  It also might take me trying the same one a few times.

Faking It

Why am I able to fake doing well when I'm out and about when inside I feel like I'm a disaster?  Even at home with my family I do it.  I don't like that I do it, but I feel like it's out of my control.  Sometimes I try really hard to not do it, but it still happens.  I think in some situations it's a good thing.  I don't want everyone I meet to see how hard life is for me right now.  I still want my privacy, but when it becomes an issue is when the people that are closest to me don't know how hard my struggle is.  When I can let my guard down and don't.

I don't want people to think that I've felt this down forever.  I haven't.  I have actually been doing really well, but there have been recent things happen that have spiraled me down.  It's hard to ask for help especially when everyone thinks I'm doing well.  It's also hard because I don't know what people can do to help.  If people offer to help in some way, I honestly have no idea what they could do to be helpful.

There is some kind of switch that happens to make me do this. I'm wondering if there are other people that struggle with this.  There are a few reasons that I might be doing it.  It could be one of these or a combination of them.

One could be because when I was little I was never allowed to show how I was really feeling.  Even inside my own home.  I was programmed to hide and even though I don't need to I still do it.  When I did show my true feelings we were always punished.  In private.


It could also be because I am afraid for people to see the real me.  I don't even know if I want to see the real me sometimes.  I am afraid that when people see me they will leave.  When they see how I am they will be afraid or it will become too much for them.  It's overwhelming for me at times and I don't want to be a burden to other people or have people feel sorry for me.  I hate that.


What's a good balance?  When should I plow through and just make it seem like life is great and when should I let my guard down and cry?