Death

I've had death on my mind a lot lately.  My death for a good part of the time.  I wonder where my story would go if I died.  Would it be shared or would it just fizzle off and be forgotten?

  I don't know.  I am afraid of death in every sense of the word.  Death becomes an obsession for me.  Something that I can't not think about.  I'm really having a hard time getting it out of my mind.  Is it that I so often want to die that it's really hard to think of anything else?  Is it going to win?

I also think a lot about loosing people close to me.  This comes in spurts.  Sometimes it bothers me and I think about it more then others.  Right now I think about it a lot.  What if one of my children died?  What if my husband died?  What if one of my close friends died?  I'm not sure how I would handle it.  I'm sure not well.  Right now I struggle so much to do anything.  Dealing with a big loss like that would be unbearable.

Does anyone else ever feel like they focus on death too much?  I don't want to, but the more I try to not focus on it, the more I do.  The more I try to not think about it, I do.  It's becoming an obsession that I am afraid of.  Something that I'm afraid is going to win.

I have been trying to look at, notice and enjoy the positive things in my life to get me out of the depression I am in.  It is hard to focus on the happy things when they are unexpecidly shattered by visual flashbacks of honorific scenes from my past.  I can't open my eyes because of what I see, but I can't keep them closed because of what my mind sees.  Very frustrating.  It almost feels like my two worlds are combining.  Not in a good way either.  Sometimes it's hard for me to decipher if I am in the past or the present.  I feel lost.  I feel stuck.  I want to run away from everything in my life.

Lost Contact

I have lost a lot of contact with my parts.  A lot of communication that use to be there is now gone.  Basically all of it.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Any thoughts?  There was a time, a long time ago, when I wasn't ever able to work with them.  I couldn't help them and didn't really know that they even existed.  I knew I lost time.  I knew I didn't have all the pieces to my past, but until a few years ago I didn't know that they were completely split from who I thought I was.  I'm not sure if they knew we were split or if they thought the same way I did.  I have come a long way over the years.  What if that doesn't matter and those parts of me are now trapped back in the past so strongly that I have to start at square one.  I can't deal with that.  I know it will break me.

Anyways, I am guessing that parts are stuck. Not all of them, but maybe some?  What does it mean to have parts stuck?  How do they get there?  What I mean by this is that they aren't reachable.  They aren't reachable because they are stuck in a past memory.  I'm not sure if saying they are stuck is the best way to describe it though.

I don't know what to do.  I'm loosing time.  That makes me nervous.  I have been trying to stay up and in control, but no matter what I do I still can't account for all of my time.  I decided to make a list of things that have changed in my outward life to see if I can backtrack what's changed my inside life.

-New baby

-Moved

-Oldest started kindergarten

-Busy support people

-Very little therapy

-Husband away at school

-No money

-Not sleeping much

Ok.  Those are the big changes that people looking on the outside would notice.  I may have missed one or two, but that's what stands out to me at this moment.  Now I'm going to list a few things that have been going on in my head.  Thoughts that have been negative that may be affecting my lack of communication with the rest of my system.

-I'm a bad mom

-I'm an awful wife

-I miss having an extended family

-People are too busy for me

-I want to hurt myself

-I dwell on death

-I'm fat

-I'm not attractive

-I hate being married to a med student

-I pity myself

That's a good start.  I have more, but I'm not finding it helpful to list everything.  I guess there are a lot of possibilities as to why things are the way they are.  I'm still sad about it.  I still am sick to my stomach about it.  I still cry in the middle of the night about it.