Death

I've had death on my mind a lot lately.  My death for a good part of the time.  I wonder where my story would go if I died.  Would it be shared or would it just fizzle off and be forgotten?

  I don't know.  I am afraid of death in every sense of the word.  Death becomes an obsession for me.  Something that I can't not think about.  I'm really having a hard time getting it out of my mind.  Is it that I so often want to die that it's really hard to think of anything else?  Is it going to win?

I also think a lot about loosing people close to me.  This comes in spurts.  Sometimes it bothers me and I think about it more then others.  Right now I think about it a lot.  What if one of my children died?  What if my husband died?  What if one of my close friends died?  I'm not sure how I would handle it.  I'm sure not well.  Right now I struggle so much to do anything.  Dealing with a big loss like that would be unbearable.

Does anyone else ever feel like they focus on death too much?  I don't want to, but the more I try to not focus on it, the more I do.  The more I try to not think about it, I do.  It's becoming an obsession that I am afraid of.  Something that I'm afraid is going to win.

I have been trying to look at, notice and enjoy the positive things in my life to get me out of the depression I am in.  It is hard to focus on the happy things when they are unexpecidly shattered by visual flashbacks of honorific scenes from my past.  I can't open my eyes because of what I see, but I can't keep them closed because of what my mind sees.  Very frustrating.  It almost feels like my two worlds are combining.  Not in a good way either.  Sometimes it's hard for me to decipher if I am in the past or the present.  I feel lost.  I feel stuck.  I want to run away from everything in my life.