Blame

I want to blame others. I want to blame them for my struggles.  I want to blame them when I feel sad.  It's not their fault I'm sad.  I am choosing to feel sad.  MY choice.  Hard to remember that when I feel so shitty.

I find that I tend to point my finger when things go wrong.  I have done that for a long time and I have been working on not doing it.  I either blame the people in my past that abused and tortured me or I blame the current people in my life for not being available when I need them.  Not a good habit to be in.  Blaming others.  Ya.  Still working on that.

I often am a needy person.  If I, myself, am not the one that needs something there is a part that does.  If you put all the parts of me together, I pretty much always need someone for something.  I had someone explain it to me using an analogy.  It's like a person with a terminally ill family member.  Hospice is used because the family member that takes care of the ill one needs a break.  I don't feel bad about them comparing that to me and I completely understand where they were coming from, but it sure has made me think a lot.

I don't want to be that person. 

Here is what's hard for me.  How can I need people less?  It's hard because each part is individual.  I often don't ask for things because I don't want to be the kind of person that is "terminally ill".  Other parts (I don't like to them by calling them parts, but I don't know how to explain it differently) still come up and demand help.  Most of them are young and don't understand boundaries as much as the older ones.  At the same time I don't feel like I am taken care of or cared about because people get worn out from being around me.  Totally confusing.  Sorry.  I'll try to explain it better.   How do I go about getting help and feeling cared about without people needing breaks from me?  I really do want some advise.  To someone that doesn't fully understand, my getting help and my 2 year old part getting help is helping the same person.  We feel separate.   Yes, we share the same body but we have very different needs.  I'm sure it's hard for others to help us when they spend so much time helping and we still need so much.

I'm not sure there is an answer.  It feels impossible.

What I Need

Still here.  Still feeling the same.

I have been especially anxious the last few days.  I am starting to get shingles.  Could that be from all the anxiety and stress I have been feeling lately?  I don't like it.  I can't settle my mind down.  I feel like ramming my head into a wall over and over again just so that I can get it to slow down.

I don't spend a lot of time with my kids.  Bad mom.  Recently they make me feel sad.  I don't like saying that.  I don't like admitting that.  I could hold them close all day and cry the entire time.  I could sit them on my lap, and hold them as tight as I could and just sob.  Even thinking about them makes me feel sad.  Deep sadness and I don't know why.  Is it because I am trying to get love from them that I don't feel like I get anywhere else?  It's not their job to give me what I never had growing up, but am I looking for that somewhere and turn to them?  It's hard for me to feel loved right now.  I don't feel it.  I feel like I need it, but don't have it and can't find it.

I need a hug...

but not just a normal hug.  No, I want one of those pick me up off my feet, squeeze me tight, spin me around, hurts my tummy, but still makes me smile, leaves me breathless, gives me butterflies, makes me giggle stupidly kind of hug.

Depressed Anxiety

I'm not really sure what to post about today.  I've been struggling so I thought I thought I would just try writing.

Life is hard right now.  I don't want to be a complainer though and I feel like I might come across that way.  I feel like I'm dealing with a million things all by myself and it's feeling really overwhelming.  I almost can't stand it anymore.  I try really hard to be tough and to do things as independently as I can, but right now I'm reaching the end of my rope.

It might sound like a weird concept, but I feel overtaken with depression and anxiety at the same time.  I know those seem like opposites and you might be thinking "how can she feel both at the same time?".  For those of you that haven't experienced those may not understand, but those of you that have know what I'm talking about.

They are two very different things, but not.

Depression is defined as: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.  That makes it sound complicated, and I guess it can be.  Sometimes it seems so simple, but when you are deep into depressions grasp it is much more complicated.  It seems ridiculous to be feeling the way you do, but you can't help it and that makes you more depressed.

Anxiety (panic) is defined as: an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart, and other physical symptoms.  I chose to define more panic because that is what I feel a lot of the time.  Seems opposite to the depression definition huh?  They may seem very different, but here are two ways they come together for me...

1. My body seems to be depressed, but my mind is experiencing anxiety

I lay in bed not moving.  I can feel so much deep depression that I feel like I physically can't move my body.  It feels like it is sinking into the bed.  My muscles are sore and heavy.  The very thought of moving is exhausting.  At the same time my mind is racing.  I can't slow it down.  It bounces from one thing to another.  Sometimes it's things that need to get done.  Sometimes it's from my past.  Good and/or bad.  Sometimes it's what's going in now and sometimes it's what I see down the road.  Either way it is moving at such a speed I feel like my mind might explode.  Like it's running around a race track and can't be stopped, all while my body is motionless.

2. My body is experiencing anxiety while my mind is in the depression

 My body can't hold still.  It physically can't do it.  I pace the house.  If I sit my body shakes.  If I stand I sway.  I can feel my body sweat because I'm trying to hold myself still.  I feel out of control of my body.  Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode.  I gasp for air as I grab my chest thinking I'm having a heart attack.  My leg shakes.  My arms shake.  My insides feel like they are shaking, but my mind is calm.  I sad calm.  A withdrawn calm.  An I don't care calm.  A calm that I can't explain very well.  I wish I could, but it's an experience that would only make sense if you had experienced it yourself.

Anyways, life is hard right now.  Switching from one of these things to the other is hard.  I feel tired all the time.  I feel depressed all the time.  I feel anxious all the time.  I feel alone.  I feel sad.  I wish I didn't.  I want out. 

Unaccounted for Time

It's been awhile.  Sorry about that.  I blame my unaccounted for time.  Not a fan.  I use to be, but not anymore.  I use to like it because I didn't feel accountable for what would go on.  For some reason that didn't bother me.   It is still hard to feel accountable because I don't know what is going on when it is going on.  I need to be accountable though.  It's still me regardless of if I remember it or not.  Even though my mind is broken into segments because of the trauma we only have one body that we share.

I've been loosing a lot more time.  I use to loose tons of time, but the past couple of years I have gotten more control.  Only loosing a little time now and then and when I did loose time I could communicate with other parts and figure out what had gone on.  Right now it is different.  I don't know what has been going on and I have been loosing tons of time again.  Does anyone have any ideas as to why this is happening?  Here are my ideas.

1. I don't communicate with relationships as much as I use to

2. Time of year

3. Parts are feeling neglected and want to act out

4. Financial stress

5.Family stress (extended family)

6. Family stress (personal little family)

7. Hormone changes

8. No communication between parts

It could be a combination of things.  It might be none of them.  All I know is I am loosing time and I don't like it.  It has left me with sleepless nights, a shaking body and a mind that won't stop moving a million miles an hour when I am in control, which isn't much.  I'm nervous that if I don't get a handle on it, things could get worse.  Not things on the inside, but my outside physical life.  That is a scary thought for me.  I have come a long way.  I don't want to go backwards now.