Depressed Anxiety

I'm not really sure what to post about today.  I've been struggling so I thought I thought I would just try writing.

Life is hard right now.  I don't want to be a complainer though and I feel like I might come across that way.  I feel like I'm dealing with a million things all by myself and it's feeling really overwhelming.  I almost can't stand it anymore.  I try really hard to be tough and to do things as independently as I can, but right now I'm reaching the end of my rope.

It might sound like a weird concept, but I feel overtaken with depression and anxiety at the same time.  I know those seem like opposites and you might be thinking "how can she feel both at the same time?".  For those of you that haven't experienced those may not understand, but those of you that have know what I'm talking about.

They are two very different things, but not.

Depression is defined as: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.  That makes it sound complicated, and I guess it can be.  Sometimes it seems so simple, but when you are deep into depressions grasp it is much more complicated.  It seems ridiculous to be feeling the way you do, but you can't help it and that makes you more depressed.

Anxiety (panic) is defined as: an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart, and other physical symptoms.  I chose to define more panic because that is what I feel a lot of the time.  Seems opposite to the depression definition huh?  They may seem very different, but here are two ways they come together for me...

1. My body seems to be depressed, but my mind is experiencing anxiety

I lay in bed not moving.  I can feel so much deep depression that I feel like I physically can't move my body.  It feels like it is sinking into the bed.  My muscles are sore and heavy.  The very thought of moving is exhausting.  At the same time my mind is racing.  I can't slow it down.  It bounces from one thing to another.  Sometimes it's things that need to get done.  Sometimes it's from my past.  Good and/or bad.  Sometimes it's what's going in now and sometimes it's what I see down the road.  Either way it is moving at such a speed I feel like my mind might explode.  Like it's running around a race track and can't be stopped, all while my body is motionless.

2. My body is experiencing anxiety while my mind is in the depression

 My body can't hold still.  It physically can't do it.  I pace the house.  If I sit my body shakes.  If I stand I sway.  I can feel my body sweat because I'm trying to hold myself still.  I feel out of control of my body.  Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode.  I gasp for air as I grab my chest thinking I'm having a heart attack.  My leg shakes.  My arms shake.  My insides feel like they are shaking, but my mind is calm.  I sad calm.  A withdrawn calm.  An I don't care calm.  A calm that I can't explain very well.  I wish I could, but it's an experience that would only make sense if you had experienced it yourself.

Anyways, life is hard right now.  Switching from one of these things to the other is hard.  I feel tired all the time.  I feel depressed all the time.  I feel anxious all the time.  I feel alone.  I feel sad.  I wish I didn't.  I want out.