Blame

I want to blame others. I want to blame them for my struggles.  I want to blame them when I feel sad.  It's not their fault I'm sad.  I am choosing to feel sad.  MY choice.  Hard to remember that when I feel so shitty.

I find that I tend to point my finger when things go wrong.  I have done that for a long time and I have been working on not doing it.  I either blame the people in my past that abused and tortured me or I blame the current people in my life for not being available when I need them.  Not a good habit to be in.  Blaming others.  Ya.  Still working on that.

I often am a needy person.  If I, myself, am not the one that needs something there is a part that does.  If you put all the parts of me together, I pretty much always need someone for something.  I had someone explain it to me using an analogy.  It's like a person with a terminally ill family member.  Hospice is used because the family member that takes care of the ill one needs a break.  I don't feel bad about them comparing that to me and I completely understand where they were coming from, but it sure has made me think a lot.

I don't want to be that person. 

Here is what's hard for me.  How can I need people less?  It's hard because each part is individual.  I often don't ask for things because I don't want to be the kind of person that is "terminally ill".  Other parts (I don't like to them by calling them parts, but I don't know how to explain it differently) still come up and demand help.  Most of them are young and don't understand boundaries as much as the older ones.  At the same time I don't feel like I am taken care of or cared about because people get worn out from being around me.  Totally confusing.  Sorry.  I'll try to explain it better.   How do I go about getting help and feeling cared about without people needing breaks from me?  I really do want some advise.  To someone that doesn't fully understand, my getting help and my 2 year old part getting help is helping the same person.  We feel separate.   Yes, we share the same body but we have very different needs.  I'm sure it's hard for others to help us when they spend so much time helping and we still need so much.

I'm not sure there is an answer.  It feels impossible.