What I Need

Still here.  Still feeling the same.

I have been especially anxious the last few days.  I am starting to get shingles.  Could that be from all the anxiety and stress I have been feeling lately?  I don't like it.  I can't settle my mind down.  I feel like ramming my head into a wall over and over again just so that I can get it to slow down.

I don't spend a lot of time with my kids.  Bad mom.  Recently they make me feel sad.  I don't like saying that.  I don't like admitting that.  I could hold them close all day and cry the entire time.  I could sit them on my lap, and hold them as tight as I could and just sob.  Even thinking about them makes me feel sad.  Deep sadness and I don't know why.  Is it because I am trying to get love from them that I don't feel like I get anywhere else?  It's not their job to give me what I never had growing up, but am I looking for that somewhere and turn to them?  It's hard for me to feel loved right now.  I don't feel it.  I feel like I need it, but don't have it and can't find it.

I need a hug...

but not just a normal hug.  No, I want one of those pick me up off my feet, squeeze me tight, spin me around, hurts my tummy, but still makes me smile, leaves me breathless, gives me butterflies, makes me giggle stupidly kind of hug.