Down

I'm feeling a bit depressed today.  Well, a lot depressed.  I hate when this happens.  I feel like I have control of my life and what's going on, then I find out things that have been going on without my knowledge.  That sucks.  It is probably one of the most frustrating things, to feel like I have no control of my own life.  I do have control most of the time.  At least I think I do.  What if I have less control then I think?  I haven't felt afraid for my children when they are with me and that's a big thing.  It's been at least a year since I worried about that.  I use to be afraid every second of every day.  My worry isn't for them.  It's for me.  Am I arranging things that put myself in danger?  If I am, I do not mean to and do not want to.  How am I to figure this out?  How can I put a stop to it if it is happening?  I feel deceived and tricked by my own self.  Other parts of me.  How do I make sure I am safe when I am not with my kids?  I know I am safe when I am with them.  They are the reason I fight every day.  By being responsible for them I am responsible for me.

Venting

Today sucked.  It did.  Full of shit if you ask me.  It's been a day where I've had so many f*%#ing images in my head from my past that it felt like a panic attack all day.  I couldn't escape it.  No matter how I tried to help myself it felt all encompassing.  I started it off bad and tried to self soothe, but screw it.  Nothing helped.  I feel like I tried it all.  I tried staying super busy and got into a huge project.  Didn't finish it and my kids were climbing all over everything, which made my organizing a bitch.  Didn't finish.  Note to self.  Never do a project when kids are around.  Especially when it has to do with their toys.  I tried not eating.  I tried eating.  I tried music. I tried resting and taking a nap.  I even took a bath, which I LOVE to do, but our bathtub can barely even be defined as such because it's so small.  My entire body was freezing, which just brought up more images.  My brother and his wife stopped by with about 30 minutes notice so I had to put on my social face, which I felt like I've tried to keep on all day anyways.  Good thing they didn't try and ask me any hard questions or I would have thrown them out of my damn house.  Time for bed.  It's early for me, but I feel that's where I belong right now.  My guess is that is I'll get triggered there too.  I have no where to go!

Comforting Ideas

I get frustrated when I blend with parts.  My parts are very different and I use to always lose time.  It's less often that I do that right now, but parts still do come up and take over at times.  For the most part they blend with me.  Well, I call it blending.  I don't know what other people call it.  For me, it's when I am in control, but can feel other parts mixing with me.  I'm not the only one in charge, but I have the most control.  It makes things hard for me.  I hate feeling like I don't have control.  I'm the one in charge of my body, but at the same time I don't have control.  I don't know how to explain it better.  I imagine it's like someone that has a fully functioning, sound mind, but doesn't have control of their body.

I was having an issue with that last night.  I did loose some time, but most of the time I felt like a child.  A really young child that needed someone to hold them, but I knew I was an adult and that I was not actually a little girl.  But at time same time, it felt like I was little and that I needed that.  The standard things I do to comfort myself weren't working.  It's an embarrassing thing for me when I feel that way.  I usually excuse myself from the situation I am in and try to comfort myself alone.  I don't think that's the best way to cope with my feelings, but I know myself well enough to know that I will probably continue doing it.  I think the reason I feel like that is because there is a young part of me that needs that.  I am too afraid of it to ask anyone to help me.  To hold me.  It sounds weird to ask for as an adult.  Do people without DID need that at times?  Not just a hug, but to really be held and comforted.  I guess I don't know.  I don't think I could ask anyone to do that.  Even if it were my husband.  Scares me too much.  I know he is safe, but my experiences with men contradict what I know about him. 

Chaos Inside

Do you ever have a day that seems to be going along great and then for no explainable reason you feel completely out of control?  That's been me today.  I have had it.  Day was going along fine.  I felt like I had accomplished what I wanted to for the day and then I get home and see my husband and I get all pissed off for no real reason.  I mean I lost it.  I was yelling at my kids, told my husband to leave me alone, and I came up to my room where I intend to stay.  Is this a choice I am aware of making?  Probably.  Do I care.  Nope.  Do I feel like myself right now?  Not exactly.  I can feel many other parts blending with me.  I am retyping everything because I am shaking so bad that I can't even keep control of my fingers.  I can't stay calm.

I get frustrated when this happens because I feel blindsided.  I don't know what set me off and my mind is racing so much that I can't calm down enough to try and figure it out.  Other parts can feel the chaos with in myself and the little ones start to panic.  I can feel them inside and it's happening now.  I don't know how to help them.  I feel trapped.  This is usually when I cut.  When I feel out of control.  I don't know what else to do.  For some reason hurting myself makes things calmer.  Even my physical body starts to settle down if I hurt.  I hate that too.  I feel like a crazy monster.  I feel like I have to hide when I hurt myself.  I don't want anyone to see what I've done.  But is it always really me?  Even if it's a different part that carries out the action?  Yes.  It is still me.  I still am the one that has to deal with living daily life cut and bruised.

Choices

I think some of the things I feel aren't necessarily associated with DID.  At least that's what people that know me tell me.  I like to hear that I have "normal" issues too, but what are normal issues?  I've kind of decided that everyone has their own, individual issues.  People struggle with different things every day.  I am no different.  Some of my daily struggles might not be a typical struggle, but some of them are.  I am a young mom to young kids.  I struggle with my kids at times.  Normal right?  Yet many times during the day I struggle with the urge to cut or hurt myself in some way.  Not normal right?  I am starting to learn to not always act on my urges.  If it's as simple as don't eat that extra piece of that amazing chocolate cake or as complex as don't pick up that razor blade.  Every time I am presented with a choice I try and make a conscious decision and not an impulsive reaction.  I am in a relatively good place right now and the decisions are typically easier, but that won't always be the case.  I am still realistic and know that I will probably choose to pick up that razor blade at times.  At that point I will start learning the process of forgiving myself.  Something I am not good at.

What is DID?

I guess I should start this blog with explaining what DID is.  Realize that I am not a scholar, doctor or therapist.  I am simply someone that lives with DID.  This is what DID means to me:

DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I guess that means that people struggling with this, have deeper issues than anyone really realizes. When someone has had such extensive trauma in their life sometimes the brain can no longer handle the information so the brain creates a "part" that holds the pain for that particular memory.  We will call them parts.  I'm not exactly sure that's what the experts do, but hey.  I am not an expert and I am used to calling mine parts.  I've heard them called alters too.

People that are diagnosed with DID deal with it differently.  I don't expect that anyone deals with it the same way that I do.  I hope there are similarities and that together we can know that we are not alone.  Having DID, for me, is sometimes a blessing and other times a curse.  I will get into that at other times I'm sure.

This is a very short explanation of DID because I am still learning what it is myself.  What I know is how it has been for me.  That is the purpose of my blog.  Even if no one else reads it.  I want to remember how I got through this time in my life.