Down

I'm feeling a bit depressed today.  Well, a lot depressed.  I hate when this happens.  I feel like I have control of my life and what's going on, then I find out things that have been going on without my knowledge.  That sucks.  It is probably one of the most frustrating things, to feel like I have no control of my own life.  I do have control most of the time.  At least I think I do.  What if I have less control then I think?  I haven't felt afraid for my children when they are with me and that's a big thing.  It's been at least a year since I worried about that.  I use to be afraid every second of every day.  My worry isn't for them.  It's for me.  Am I arranging things that put myself in danger?  If I am, I do not mean to and do not want to.  How am I to figure this out?  How can I put a stop to it if it is happening?  I feel deceived and tricked by my own self.  Other parts of me.  How do I make sure I am safe when I am not with my kids?  I know I am safe when I am with them.  They are the reason I fight every day.  By being responsible for them I am responsible for me.