Chaos Inside

Do you ever have a day that seems to be going along great and then for no explainable reason you feel completely out of control?  That's been me today.  I have had it.  Day was going along fine.  I felt like I had accomplished what I wanted to for the day and then I get home and see my husband and I get all pissed off for no real reason.  I mean I lost it.  I was yelling at my kids, told my husband to leave me alone, and I came up to my room where I intend to stay.  Is this a choice I am aware of making?  Probably.  Do I care.  Nope.  Do I feel like myself right now?  Not exactly.  I can feel many other parts blending with me.  I am retyping everything because I am shaking so bad that I can't even keep control of my fingers.  I can't stay calm.

I get frustrated when this happens because I feel blindsided.  I don't know what set me off and my mind is racing so much that I can't calm down enough to try and figure it out.  Other parts can feel the chaos with in myself and the little ones start to panic.  I can feel them inside and it's happening now.  I don't know how to help them.  I feel trapped.  This is usually when I cut.  When I feel out of control.  I don't know what else to do.  For some reason hurting myself makes things calmer.  Even my physical body starts to settle down if I hurt.  I hate that too.  I feel like a crazy monster.  I feel like I have to hide when I hurt myself.  I don't want anyone to see what I've done.  But is it always really me?  Even if it's a different part that carries out the action?  Yes.  It is still me.  I still am the one that has to deal with living daily life cut and bruised.