5 senses

Do you think that everyone has a reason for liking something or not?  The 5 senses.  Do they carrie memories?  Is there always, and I mean always, a memory attached?  Good or bad?  Is the reason I like the taste of bubble gum because I remember hiding my closet sneaking Bazooka gum from my brothers drawer and that was the one piece of joy in my life at the age of 4?  Or is it simply because I like bubble gum?  I loved looking at the pictures wrapped around each piece of gum. Is the reason I hate, and I mean hate, when I get a high pitched ringing in my ear because I was trained to do things that I will never forgive my self for when I heard that noise?  Or is it simply because it's an annoying sound?  The ocean.  Do I love listening to the ocean because I don't have anything negative to associate it with?  Or do I just like the sound of the ocean?

Try to think about it.  Think of the things you like that have to do with sight, smell, taste, touch and sound.  Now think about why you like them.  Why do you like them?  Can you rack your memory for anything that you can think of that might give you a memory to why you like it?  Anything?

Now think about all the negative things that have to do with sight, smell, taste, touch and sound.  Why do they bother you?  Is there anything in your past that might possibly taint why you feel like that?

What I'm thinking, is that it's possible that our experiences to shape us.  Completely shape us.  They shape our likes.  They shape our dislikes.  Now, maybe they don't shape everything.  But you have to admit.  Isn't possible that they do?

Love

I've been having more memory coming.  I don't like it when that happens.  It tends to happen in floods. It usually doesn't happen one at a time.  I wish it did.  I think it would be easier to deal with if I could focus on one at a time.  Instead, I get to try and balance 3 or 4 while still keeping my outside life together.  It's quite a circus show.

I have noticed somewhat of a pattern though.  Now, I find myself looking back.  Has there always been some kind of a pattern?  Who knows.  Maybe there sometimes is a pattern and sometimes there isn't.  I guess it doesn't really matter either way.  They come, I deal, and sometimes they leave :)

So, the pattern right now is....drum roll?  Programming.  Yes.  I'm trying to make light of it.  It's actually been really hard for me.  I'm starting to remember how I was programmed for certain things.  I think it's the beginning of learning how to de-program what they taught me.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to stop the programming, but I am going to learn what it is so I can start learning.

For example.  At the end of phone conversations, I often say "I love you".  There are certain people that I always say it to.  I always kind of shutter when people say it to me.  Mainly on the phone, but also face to face.  I didn't know why either.  I love you is meant to be a positive thing.  It's meant to make someone feel warm cared about.

My family always says "I love you" on the phone.  Might not seem weird to someone.  Might seem like we have a very loving family.  False.  I don't want to go into detail about how they programmed me or what they programmed me to do and feel when this was said, but be assured.  It was not a positive thing.  No it was not.  But now I know.  It does make a lot more sense now.  Doesn't make it any less painless, but it does give me hope.  Hope that I can learn to feel love from others.

I find that I say it to my kids all the time.  BUT I say it to them with a completely different meaning.  I say it to them because they are important to me.  I care about them.  Maybe someday soon I'll like it when someone says they love me.  I know how to love others.  I just don't know how to feel love from them.

Mom

I've been having lots of dreams about my growing up family.  Lots.  They aren't all memory dreams, but I know some of them are.  Not all of them are scary, but all of them have my mom in them.  Sometimes she's scary.  Other times she acts like a friend or like she doesn't know me at all.

When my mom is scary, I feel afraid of adult women.  I haven't felt like this often in the past, but I have more and more the past few weeks.  Adult women, doesn't matter who they are, give me an afraid feeling inside.  When she acted liked a friend, I have wanted her in my life.  I've wanted to be with her. I've missed her.  I've thought a lot about her and cried a lot that I don't have her in my life.  When she's acted like she doesn't know me, I feel confused.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  I feel like no one wants me.  How could they if my own mother doesn't know me?

I'm not sure what I think about dreams.  I don't know if they are suppose to mean something or if they are just random.  I've decided that I need to look at how they make me feel and how they change my actions.  That's what's important for me to get from the dreams.

I have mixed emotions about the past family dreams.  I wake up confused.  I can't tell if I want my family or if I want to stay away.  I think that parts are confused too.  I think some of them want my family.  They long for them.  They feel like something is missing.  I feel that too.  Then there are other parts that don't want my family.  They don't need them.  They are strong and independent.  I feel that too.

But what wins?  Which parts will be the ones to decide our path?  I like to believe that I, the core, am the strongest and that I would be the one to make that decision.  I like to think that I'm the one making all the decisions.  That's what I want, but unfortunately that's not always the case.

No Worries

Someone said to me the other day, "remember when you were little and you had nothing to worry about?"  I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled to myself and said "ya" when in reality, I had no idea what that felt like. 

  I've often wondered what it would be like if I had had that kind of growing up.  The kind of growing up that the hardest thing going on is what shirt to wear to school that day.  Instead, I lived in fear.  I was afraid of everything.  My parents, my family, teachers, friends, family, darkness, certain lights, certain noises, animals, many smells, etc.  You name it, I was probably afraid of it.  I also did not trust anyone. Made life lonely.

As a child, I also felt like an adult.  I felt trapped inside a child's body. So many of the things I was experiencing as a child were things that should only be experienced by an adult.  I felt grown up.  I never felt taken care of.  I never felt loved.

Lots of worries for a little girl.  Lots of worries still.  It's actually really weird to me to think that people had childhoods full of no worries.  Maybe someday I'll understand what that feels like.  Maybe I won't, but hopefully my children will.

Profound!

I figured something out today.  It's probably something that has been sitting right in front of my face for a long time, but today I connected the dot.

I haven't had therapy for a while now.  Not because I don't need it.  Not because I don't want it.  It's because my therapist needed to take some time off to take care of herself.  I don't like the idea of starting with someone new.  My parts don't like it either, but is it something we need?

I could argue both ways, but I decided on doing work on my own.  Still have a babysitter twice a week and use that time to work through memories, thoughts, and life.  I've been doing a little writing when memories come up, but I've done a lot of thinking.  A lot of meditating.  Hopefully this will be a place that I can begin sharing my thoughts on a consistent basis.  Now that I don't have my therapist as my sounding board, this blog will be where I share some of my thoughts.  Expect weekly updates from me...hopefully.

Ok.  So, here's what I figured out.  A lot my thoughts are my parts.  Profound right?  Let me explain.  Often when I think something, it's a part communicating to me.  I noticed it when I was having a very irrational thought.  I wondered where I had come up with that, and then I thought, "we were told that you idiot!"  Hmm.  Luckily it was a quiet moment in my house, which doesn't happen often, and I was able to sit and think about that.

I've often had a conversation with myself in my own mind, but I thought of it as normal. And maybe it is, but for me it is different.  I thought of it as me talking to me.  I didn't think of it as a separate part of me trying to let me know something.  I don't know who was speaking to me or why they decided to let me know it was them, but I believe that knowledge is power and I'm glad to have that piece of information. In the past, I've expected to hear a different voice.  I expected to know that it was someone else talking to me when in reality it's always just been me.

Now I know what to listen for, maybe I'll be able to cope on my own a little better.

Feeling Consumed

Bad dreams.  Hate em.  I've had a lot of them lately.  Usually I talk about them with my therapist, but I'm not going to be seeing my usual therapist anymore.  I'm feeling really nervous about it.

When she first told me that she couldn't see me anymore it felt surreal.  I knew what she was saying, but it didn't feel like that could ever happen.  I'm going to see her tomorrow, but that will be my last appointment.  It started to hit me two days ago.  The reality of it.  It connected with me that I'll only see her one more time and it's created a panic inside myself.  

I knew parts were upset, but I've been able to push through it.  I've been able to block out and fake what was coming.  Not anymore.  Now it feels like I'm constantly having a panic attack.  My heart is racing and racing.  It won't slow down.  My breathing is shallow and fast.  I try to concentrate on it so that I can calm down, but the more I try and calm down the more anxious I get about what's coming.

How can I do this?  How can I start over with someone new?  How can I reconnect with someone in a way like I've connected with her?  She's been my rock for the past 3 years.  She's gotten me through so many things.  She's helped parts feel safe.  She's helped me feel safe.  She's shown me the person I want to be when I am through all this shit.  She's helped me see, at times, that I can get there.

Back to the dreams.  I need some advise.  Sometimes thinking out loud helps me come up with my own solutions.  I'm hoping that this is one of those times.  Now that I'm not seeing the one person I trust with these dreams, how to I cope with them?  I've tried the techniques my therapist taught me, but it isn't working yet.  I feel like I'm not ready to put them where they need to go without guidance, but I don't feel like I have anyone else to have help me through them.

Dreams and not having my safe haven.  It is consuming me.

The mornings I have therapy

Today was a hard day.  Harder than I had anticipated it being.

The mornings I have therapy, I usually do better.  I look forward to connecting with someone who gets me.  Someone that I know cares.  Someone that calls me out on stuff and gives me work so that I can get better.  Someone that makes all parts of me feel loved.  Today was no different.  I went to bed knowing that in the morning I would feel better.

The mornings I have therapy, I always know it will be worth it.  I don't feel as stressed.  I get up and ready without fighting it.  Every other day it's a chore to just get out of bed.  Every other day I wonder if it's worth it.  Sometimes it's not and I stay in bed.  Sometimes I talk myself into thinking it is and then it's not worth it.  Sometimes I just get up and it is a better day.

The mornings I have therapy, my system is calm.  Parts of me are getting ready on the inside as I get dressed on the outside.  They take an inventory of each other to see who needs to talk today.  Who is most important this time.  Often the ones that need it most get shut out.  Partly because they don't want to push the others out of the way.  Partly because they want others taken care of before them.  Even if they feel like they are going to crumble.  They get ready every morning.  Patiently wait for their turn.  Wanting someone to notice that they are there and that they need help.

The mornings I have therapy, I make sure I am on time.  I want to spend every second I can in that room. It's my sanctuary.  It's the only place I can be me.  It's the only place we can be us.  We make the drive as our mind wonders where we'll go today.  What will our work be?

The mornings I have therapy, I feel more connected with myself and with who I am than any other day.  I wonder what we will learn about ourselves today that we didn't know yesterday.  I wonder what my parts have to teach me.

Today was a hard day.  Harder than I had anticipated it being.