Love

I've been having more memory coming.  I don't like it when that happens.  It tends to happen in floods. It usually doesn't happen one at a time.  I wish it did.  I think it would be easier to deal with if I could focus on one at a time.  Instead, I get to try and balance 3 or 4 while still keeping my outside life together.  It's quite a circus show.

I have noticed somewhat of a pattern though.  Now, I find myself looking back.  Has there always been some kind of a pattern?  Who knows.  Maybe there sometimes is a pattern and sometimes there isn't.  I guess it doesn't really matter either way.  They come, I deal, and sometimes they leave :)

So, the pattern right now is....drum roll?  Programming.  Yes.  I'm trying to make light of it.  It's actually been really hard for me.  I'm starting to remember how I was programmed for certain things.  I think it's the beginning of learning how to de-program what they taught me.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to stop the programming, but I am going to learn what it is so I can start learning.

For example.  At the end of phone conversations, I often say "I love you".  There are certain people that I always say it to.  I always kind of shutter when people say it to me.  Mainly on the phone, but also face to face.  I didn't know why either.  I love you is meant to be a positive thing.  It's meant to make someone feel warm cared about.

My family always says "I love you" on the phone.  Might not seem weird to someone.  Might seem like we have a very loving family.  False.  I don't want to go into detail about how they programmed me or what they programmed me to do and feel when this was said, but be assured.  It was not a positive thing.  No it was not.  But now I know.  It does make a lot more sense now.  Doesn't make it any less painless, but it does give me hope.  Hope that I can learn to feel love from others.

I find that I say it to my kids all the time.  BUT I say it to them with a completely different meaning.  I say it to them because they are important to me.  I care about them.  Maybe someday soon I'll like it when someone says they love me.  I know how to love others.  I just don't know how to feel love from them.