Mom

I've been having lots of dreams about my growing up family.  Lots.  They aren't all memory dreams, but I know some of them are.  Not all of them are scary, but all of them have my mom in them.  Sometimes she's scary.  Other times she acts like a friend or like she doesn't know me at all.

When my mom is scary, I feel afraid of adult women.  I haven't felt like this often in the past, but I have more and more the past few weeks.  Adult women, doesn't matter who they are, give me an afraid feeling inside.  When she acted liked a friend, I have wanted her in my life.  I've wanted to be with her. I've missed her.  I've thought a lot about her and cried a lot that I don't have her in my life.  When she's acted like she doesn't know me, I feel confused.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  I feel like no one wants me.  How could they if my own mother doesn't know me?

I'm not sure what I think about dreams.  I don't know if they are suppose to mean something or if they are just random.  I've decided that I need to look at how they make me feel and how they change my actions.  That's what's important for me to get from the dreams.

I have mixed emotions about the past family dreams.  I wake up confused.  I can't tell if I want my family or if I want to stay away.  I think that parts are confused too.  I think some of them want my family.  They long for them.  They feel like something is missing.  I feel that too.  Then there are other parts that don't want my family.  They don't need them.  They are strong and independent.  I feel that too.

But what wins?  Which parts will be the ones to decide our path?  I like to believe that I, the core, am the strongest and that I would be the one to make that decision.  I like to think that I'm the one making all the decisions.  That's what I want, but unfortunately that's not always the case.