Profound!

I figured something out today.  It's probably something that has been sitting right in front of my face for a long time, but today I connected the dot.

I haven't had therapy for a while now.  Not because I don't need it.  Not because I don't want it.  It's because my therapist needed to take some time off to take care of herself.  I don't like the idea of starting with someone new.  My parts don't like it either, but is it something we need?

I could argue both ways, but I decided on doing work on my own.  Still have a babysitter twice a week and use that time to work through memories, thoughts, and life.  I've been doing a little writing when memories come up, but I've done a lot of thinking.  A lot of meditating.  Hopefully this will be a place that I can begin sharing my thoughts on a consistent basis.  Now that I don't have my therapist as my sounding board, this blog will be where I share some of my thoughts.  Expect weekly updates from me...hopefully.

Ok.  So, here's what I figured out.  A lot my thoughts are my parts.  Profound right?  Let me explain.  Often when I think something, it's a part communicating to me.  I noticed it when I was having a very irrational thought.  I wondered where I had come up with that, and then I thought, "we were told that you idiot!"  Hmm.  Luckily it was a quiet moment in my house, which doesn't happen often, and I was able to sit and think about that.

I've often had a conversation with myself in my own mind, but I thought of it as normal. And maybe it is, but for me it is different.  I thought of it as me talking to me.  I didn't think of it as a separate part of me trying to let me know something.  I don't know who was speaking to me or why they decided to let me know it was them, but I believe that knowledge is power and I'm glad to have that piece of information. In the past, I've expected to hear a different voice.  I expected to know that it was someone else talking to me when in reality it's always just been me.

Now I know what to listen for, maybe I'll be able to cope on my own a little better.