Emotional Survival

Have you ever had to depend on someone for something and been disappointed?  I gotta be honest.  I don't like depending on other people, but I often need to.  If there is something that needs to be done, I typically like to be the one that does it.  It's hard for me to count on others for things.  I think part of it is because I like to be in control.  Am I always in complete control?  No.  Do I hate it when I'm not.  Yes.

There are times in my life when I really need the help of others.  Those times come in chunks.  Times when I need people a lot and times when I don't.  Whether it's me or another part of me that need something, doesn't matter.  It's still me right?  What happens if that person can't be there?  Am I ok?  Are parts ok?  I would like to say yes.  I would like to say that we are able to work things out on our own, and in a way I guess we are.  Is it a healthy way in which we work things out?  Not really.  Do we survive through it?  Yes.  Emotionally I would say that no.  We don't emotionally survive through it every time, but does our body survive?  Yes.

Here is my question.  What do you do when you feel like you don't emotionally survive?

Here are a few coping skills that I try.  I don't think they are exactly for the emotional aspect of surviving, but they are my only coping skills.  Not all of these work and not all of them are healthy, but usually I can find one that helps a little.  It also changes every moment for what will work.  When I am especially panicked I usually start with the unhealthy ones, but if I notice the feeling coming early enough I try the healthier ones first.  It depends on how instant the feelings are and what the feelings are that make me feel like I need to do something else.  They are in no particular order.

Sleeping lots

Eating

Not eating

Cutting, burning, hitting, etc. (self harm)

Blogging

Cook

Look through my box (I'll explain this another day.)

Listen to music

Read
Take a bubble bath

Watch TV

Run

Cry

Draw

Scream

Self talk

Organize something

Call a friend

These are all things that I can do on my own.  Not things I need to depend on others for (usually).  I don't have a lot of time for these things, but when I start to panic or feel like I can't keep going, I try these.  It usually takes me trying a few of these before I find one that calms me down.  It also might take me trying the same one a few times.

Faking It

Why am I able to fake doing well when I'm out and about when inside I feel like I'm a disaster?  Even at home with my family I do it.  I don't like that I do it, but I feel like it's out of my control.  Sometimes I try really hard to not do it, but it still happens.  I think in some situations it's a good thing.  I don't want everyone I meet to see how hard life is for me right now.  I still want my privacy, but when it becomes an issue is when the people that are closest to me don't know how hard my struggle is.  When I can let my guard down and don't.

I don't want people to think that I've felt this down forever.  I haven't.  I have actually been doing really well, but there have been recent things happen that have spiraled me down.  It's hard to ask for help especially when everyone thinks I'm doing well.  It's also hard because I don't know what people can do to help.  If people offer to help in some way, I honestly have no idea what they could do to be helpful.

There is some kind of switch that happens to make me do this. I'm wondering if there are other people that struggle with this.  There are a few reasons that I might be doing it.  It could be one of these or a combination of them.

One could be because when I was little I was never allowed to show how I was really feeling.  Even inside my own home.  I was programmed to hide and even though I don't need to I still do it.  When I did show my true feelings we were always punished.  In private.


It could also be because I am afraid for people to see the real me.  I don't even know if I want to see the real me sometimes.  I am afraid that when people see me they will leave.  When they see how I am they will be afraid or it will become too much for them.  It's overwhelming for me at times and I don't want to be a burden to other people or have people feel sorry for me.  I hate that.


What's a good balance?  When should I plow through and just make it seem like life is great and when should I let my guard down and cry?

Not so obvious change

There have been many changes happening in my life.  I wrote about change in my last post, but this one is a little different.  I've now started to try and think about things that have changed that I would not notice.  Things that aren't as obvious.  Having a baby.  That is a big obvious change.  I'm talking about subtle things.  Things like school ending.  With school ending I would be home all day.  A lot more time for things to happen.  Why is that an important yet subtle change today when I'm not in school?  Because to certain parts this was an important time of year.  Is it for me in my current life?  Not particularity, but because it was an important time to someone inside it may still be affecting my daily life.  How?  Not sure.  This is just a thought of what else might be causing my hard times.

Not only is school coming to an end, summer is starting.  So it may be a seasonal thing.  With summer, there were probably a lot more things done outside because the weather is nice.  It's not too cold to do things at night. Again.  Not a real important thing in my life right now, but to someone inside it still feels like the time when those things were happening.  They are trapped there.  It's confusing for them to hear that it's different now.  Some of them don't like to hear it because they don't think the life we have now is our real life.

I am triggered by certain summer activities as well.  Swimming (water in general), camping, vacations, flowers, etc. are all things that seem normal, but to me aren't.  It's hard because I am desperately trying to create happy, normal memories for my own children.  It seems impossible when the activities I begin with my kids are so triggering it pulls me, or parts of me, into a terrible memory that feels almost paralyzing.  Sometimes I can fake through it, but often I can't.

People.  This one is tough.  I have the tendency to take things personally.  I don't mean to and logically I know that it isn't me, but so many parts or experiences in my life have trained me to believe that people leave.  It is one of my biggest fears I think.  I have many fears so I probably shouldn't compare.  I have a battle in my own mind that goes back and forth.  One says: "They are only telling you they are busy.  They are really trying to get away from you."  The other says: "That's ridiculous.  Kids are out of school and they have a lot more going on at home."  All of my friends right now seem to be really busy with life.  It's triggering for me to have everyone so busy.  Even if I don't need them.  Knowing they are busy is enough to send me into a panic.

These are the not so obvious things in my life right now that are adding to my stress and depression.  I have no idea how to fix these things.  Frustrating.

Change

I feel like when it rains, it pours.  How many things can happen in the space of two weeks?  I am amazed.  There really isn't a point in listing all the things that have happened.  The point of it all is that change, good or bad, is often stressful.  There are many emotions that come from stress.  At least for me.  I switch emotion right now every minute, but the most constant is deep, dark depression.

What is depression?  Without looking it up, here is my definition: one of the most shitty mental states known to man.

What causes depression?  Again, without looking it up, here is my thought: anything.

Everyone has trials.  How is it that some people seem to handle the "stress" of change so well while others crumble?  I have the same questions in my own mind.  How is it that some parts handle the daily trials we have while others can't seem to function?  How can I help the ones that need it when I am struggling to open my eyes every day?  How do I know when there is a need among parts when all I can feel is the darkness that one or more of the parts feel?

With all the horrors going on in the world, why is there hope for change?  Maybe there isn't a lot of hope.  Maybe it's just change.

Having a baby

So, I thought I would see what people with DID feel like when they are about to have a baby.  I have been wondering if what I feel is normal to people with or without DID. (Some of this can apply to men with DID becoming fathers)

I already have 2 boys.  Love them.  Lots.  I am now pregnant with a girl and I am really freaked out.  I felt more excited at first, but now I am scared.  I am worried that there are many things about her that will trigger me. (Does anyone else use the word trigger?)  Here are a few of the things I am worried about.  As usual they aren't in any particular order.

1. Will looking at her remind me of myself at a young vulnerable age?  Remind me to the point of not being able to look at her, take care of her, etc.

2. If it does trigger me to an unmanageable point, will I be able to ask for the help I need or will I completely shut down and pretend like everything is fine?  That's what I often do.

3. Will changing her diaper or bathing her scare me as much or more than it did with my boys, again bringing up my own memories?

4. Will all of us, as collective parts, be able to handle the daily efforts it raise a child?  Especially in addition to the boys.

5. Will her cry scare me and send me into a memory or make me react in a way I know I will regret?

These are just a few of the things I worry about for when the baby is actually here and I am suppose to be the one in charge of her. I'm sure some of these will happen.  I can't expect them not to or to pretend everything will be easy. There are also things that are already scaring me and sending me into bad memories and terrifying flashbacks about the labor and birth aspect of it.  Without getting at all graphic, here are a few of those fears.

1. How can I stay in control when other parts are taught to come up when feeling pain or when I become extremely afraid?

2. How do I explain to my young parts what is going on?  Even when I try, they don't understand.  They just know it's scary and hurts.

3. How do I not be embarrassed if (when) I do loose control and younger parts come up?

4. How do I explain to my husband that there will be parts that want him away when he's the one that should be there holding my hand?

I know I will not be able to do this on my own. I want to be strong enough to do that, but how?  I want to have normal fears about it.  I want to be able to handle this, but it's not realistic of me.  I am scared.  I am admitting that I don't know what to do.  Do I just do my best and call it a day?  I cry hard thinking of how hard this is going to be.  Must be the hormones because I am NOT a crier.  Oh well.  At least I can blame the hormones for a few more weeks.  Then I'll know it's just me :)

What Causes Switching?

Well, it's been over 2 months since I last posted on this blog.  Probably not the best idea because it was a tough couple of months and the reason I created this blog was to see how much I've grown over time.  I will try to be better about posting through the hard times and not avoiding it.

Today I have been thinking about why I switch a lot at some times in my life and not as much during other times.  (When I use the word switch I am talking about loosing time, other parts are up, I'm not in charge of my own body, etc.)  It could be a few reasons I guess.  Here are some of the possibilities I've come up with so far.  I'm sure I've missed a few, but I'll post about those when I think of them.  They are in no particular order.

1-Stress.  My outside life gets too stressful for me to manage so other parts come up to try and help.  This can be any "normal" outside thing.  Kids, spouse, weight, school, money, chaos, disorder, etc.  Any stress in my life.  Not always having to do with trauma.

2-Triggers. This can be a bunch of different categories of it's own. I'll make a few sub categories under it. These are touch because I am still learning what triggers me.  Some things I am aware of, but others take me by complete surprise.  When I come back in control is when I need to try and figure out what it was that triggered me in the first place so I can try to avoid that or learn to deal with it on an appropriate level. I am not able to do that on my own at this point, but I am learning.

a.) Sight-things that I see can cause a switch without notice

b.) Smell-things I smell can cause me to switch without notice
c.) Touch-different textures can cause me to switch without notice
d.) Sound-things I hear can also do the same.

One way that I can learn my triggers is by checking in with whatever part came up when triggered.  The hard part for me right now is that I don't always know who that was.  With the help of my therapist I am learning to figure this out.  Things I have noticed are the smell of flowers, sound of running water, dogs barking and the sight of blood.

3-Flashbacks. These are probably my least favorite.  Not that I have a favorite.  These are the most scary to me and other parts.  For me there are four kind of flashbacks.  Again, I am probably missing some obvious ones, but for now these are the ones I've come up with.

a.) asleep

b.) awake

c.) full memory

d.) partial memory

Sometimes I have a flashback that comes in my dreams.  This is tricky for me because lot of people have scary dreams and it doesn't necessarily mean that it is a memory.  I have to really search my mind to decipher the difference.  Awake memories are usually easier to tell the difference, but those are hard because most of the time it is only a partial memory.  They come in chunks. I hate that. I feel like I'm left wondering what happened and I'm scared of when the next piece of information will come. I think the reason for only part of it coming is because I realize I'm having a flashback and my mind tries to change it's coarse so that it doesn't go there. I've been told that it could be because my mind knows how much I can handle at a time. Full flashbacks are usually in my dreams while partial flashbacks are usually while I'm awake.

Two Things

So, I've decided a couple of things.  First.  You might think that by having parts one might be less lonely.  Wrong.  I think that having parts makes someone more lonely.  That's how it feels for me anyways.  I feel like because of my parts I have a hard time opening up to people and letting them see who I really am.  Who we really are.  It is my own fault really.  I am too proud to let anyone see my vulnerable side.  I don't feel proud, but I can't think of a better word to describe it.  Maybe it is pride.  Maybe it's embarrassment.  Maybe it's fear.  I'm starting to learn what all these emotions mean.  I understand the definitions I think, but attaching the emotion to them makes them completely different.

Growing up I was never allowed to feel emotion.  If I were to feel an emotion I would be punished.  Always with the negative emotions and often with positive emotion.  Any emotion besides walking around like a smiling zombie was considered bad.  When bad things would happen I knew how to push those feelings away and appeared to deal with things well.  I realize that instead of dealing with that as a child I have been burying those and now it feels even more painful then before to try and feel them or even simply recognize them.  I am taking it slow, but I'm trying to figure out how to cope with feelings.  It feels like they are going to kill me when I begin to feel them.  Then up comes the wall.  Does anyone have advise for this?

The second thing I've decided is that there is a purpose for ALL people.  Some people are there simply to be a bad example.  They teach us what not to do.  I try really hard to not be the kind of parent my parents were.  I know that I am not perfect and that I make my own stupid mistakes, but I want to be damn sure I don't make the same stupid ass mistakes as my so called loved ones.  As I said.  Some people are around to simply be idiots so that we don't make the same mistakes.

Today sucks.

Blank Mind

I'm not really sure what to write about today.  I guess that's why it's been a little bit since I wrote last.  So here I am sitting at my computer typing who knows what.  I have felt quite accomplished the past few weeks or so.  I don't know why, but I've been doing project after project.  It's been a good thing overall I guess because I can look at my day and see all the things I've done.  That's always a good feeling for me.  If I feel like shit, I can at least see that I did something with my day.  Realize that I am not always so accomplishing.

For example, today.  I had a memory come up that made me physically throw up.  I felt fine when I got up this morning before the memory.  I fed my kids breakfast and I even ate a small bowl of oatmeal squares with them.  (I am not a real big eater in the mornings.) About 2 minutes after I finished my cereal I had a flash of memory flood me and I grabbed the nearest bowl and started spewing my breakfast.  Nice huh?  My oldest son was wanting to help and felt sorry for me, but I wasn't sure how to handle him at the moment so I just told him I was sick and asked him to play with my younger boy so I could rest.  He was a big help today, which I needed.  I pretty much was on the couch all day.  Time flew.  I honestly couldn't even tell you what my mind was thinking all those hours.  I got up only to put my son down for his nap and go back to the couch.  I don't feel like I lost time either.  It felt like I was simply staring at the wall the entire day.  To say the least, I did NOT feel like I accomplished anything.  Sometimes, I would say, it's good to sit and think.  It can be very accomplishing and fulfilling.  Wasn't one of those days.  My mind felt like it was a complete blank, even though I am sure it wasn't.

Down

I'm feeling a bit depressed today.  Well, a lot depressed.  I hate when this happens.  I feel like I have control of my life and what's going on, then I find out things that have been going on without my knowledge.  That sucks.  It is probably one of the most frustrating things, to feel like I have no control of my own life.  I do have control most of the time.  At least I think I do.  What if I have less control then I think?  I haven't felt afraid for my children when they are with me and that's a big thing.  It's been at least a year since I worried about that.  I use to be afraid every second of every day.  My worry isn't for them.  It's for me.  Am I arranging things that put myself in danger?  If I am, I do not mean to and do not want to.  How am I to figure this out?  How can I put a stop to it if it is happening?  I feel deceived and tricked by my own self.  Other parts of me.  How do I make sure I am safe when I am not with my kids?  I know I am safe when I am with them.  They are the reason I fight every day.  By being responsible for them I am responsible for me.

Venting

Today sucked.  It did.  Full of shit if you ask me.  It's been a day where I've had so many f*%#ing images in my head from my past that it felt like a panic attack all day.  I couldn't escape it.  No matter how I tried to help myself it felt all encompassing.  I started it off bad and tried to self soothe, but screw it.  Nothing helped.  I feel like I tried it all.  I tried staying super busy and got into a huge project.  Didn't finish it and my kids were climbing all over everything, which made my organizing a bitch.  Didn't finish.  Note to self.  Never do a project when kids are around.  Especially when it has to do with their toys.  I tried not eating.  I tried eating.  I tried music. I tried resting and taking a nap.  I even took a bath, which I LOVE to do, but our bathtub can barely even be defined as such because it's so small.  My entire body was freezing, which just brought up more images.  My brother and his wife stopped by with about 30 minutes notice so I had to put on my social face, which I felt like I've tried to keep on all day anyways.  Good thing they didn't try and ask me any hard questions or I would have thrown them out of my damn house.  Time for bed.  It's early for me, but I feel that's where I belong right now.  My guess is that is I'll get triggered there too.  I have no where to go!

Comforting Ideas

I get frustrated when I blend with parts.  My parts are very different and I use to always lose time.  It's less often that I do that right now, but parts still do come up and take over at times.  For the most part they blend with me.  Well, I call it blending.  I don't know what other people call it.  For me, it's when I am in control, but can feel other parts mixing with me.  I'm not the only one in charge, but I have the most control.  It makes things hard for me.  I hate feeling like I don't have control.  I'm the one in charge of my body, but at the same time I don't have control.  I don't know how to explain it better.  I imagine it's like someone that has a fully functioning, sound mind, but doesn't have control of their body.

I was having an issue with that last night.  I did loose some time, but most of the time I felt like a child.  A really young child that needed someone to hold them, but I knew I was an adult and that I was not actually a little girl.  But at time same time, it felt like I was little and that I needed that.  The standard things I do to comfort myself weren't working.  It's an embarrassing thing for me when I feel that way.  I usually excuse myself from the situation I am in and try to comfort myself alone.  I don't think that's the best way to cope with my feelings, but I know myself well enough to know that I will probably continue doing it.  I think the reason I feel like that is because there is a young part of me that needs that.  I am too afraid of it to ask anyone to help me.  To hold me.  It sounds weird to ask for as an adult.  Do people without DID need that at times?  Not just a hug, but to really be held and comforted.  I guess I don't know.  I don't think I could ask anyone to do that.  Even if it were my husband.  Scares me too much.  I know he is safe, but my experiences with men contradict what I know about him. 

Chaos Inside

Do you ever have a day that seems to be going along great and then for no explainable reason you feel completely out of control?  That's been me today.  I have had it.  Day was going along fine.  I felt like I had accomplished what I wanted to for the day and then I get home and see my husband and I get all pissed off for no real reason.  I mean I lost it.  I was yelling at my kids, told my husband to leave me alone, and I came up to my room where I intend to stay.  Is this a choice I am aware of making?  Probably.  Do I care.  Nope.  Do I feel like myself right now?  Not exactly.  I can feel many other parts blending with me.  I am retyping everything because I am shaking so bad that I can't even keep control of my fingers.  I can't stay calm.

I get frustrated when this happens because I feel blindsided.  I don't know what set me off and my mind is racing so much that I can't calm down enough to try and figure it out.  Other parts can feel the chaos with in myself and the little ones start to panic.  I can feel them inside and it's happening now.  I don't know how to help them.  I feel trapped.  This is usually when I cut.  When I feel out of control.  I don't know what else to do.  For some reason hurting myself makes things calmer.  Even my physical body starts to settle down if I hurt.  I hate that too.  I feel like a crazy monster.  I feel like I have to hide when I hurt myself.  I don't want anyone to see what I've done.  But is it always really me?  Even if it's a different part that carries out the action?  Yes.  It is still me.  I still am the one that has to deal with living daily life cut and bruised.

Choices

I think some of the things I feel aren't necessarily associated with DID.  At least that's what people that know me tell me.  I like to hear that I have "normal" issues too, but what are normal issues?  I've kind of decided that everyone has their own, individual issues.  People struggle with different things every day.  I am no different.  Some of my daily struggles might not be a typical struggle, but some of them are.  I am a young mom to young kids.  I struggle with my kids at times.  Normal right?  Yet many times during the day I struggle with the urge to cut or hurt myself in some way.  Not normal right?  I am starting to learn to not always act on my urges.  If it's as simple as don't eat that extra piece of that amazing chocolate cake or as complex as don't pick up that razor blade.  Every time I am presented with a choice I try and make a conscious decision and not an impulsive reaction.  I am in a relatively good place right now and the decisions are typically easier, but that won't always be the case.  I am still realistic and know that I will probably choose to pick up that razor blade at times.  At that point I will start learning the process of forgiving myself.  Something I am not good at.

What is DID?

I guess I should start this blog with explaining what DID is.  Realize that I am not a scholar, doctor or therapist.  I am simply someone that lives with DID.  This is what DID means to me:

DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I guess that means that people struggling with this, have deeper issues than anyone really realizes. When someone has had such extensive trauma in their life sometimes the brain can no longer handle the information so the brain creates a "part" that holds the pain for that particular memory.  We will call them parts.  I'm not exactly sure that's what the experts do, but hey.  I am not an expert and I am used to calling mine parts.  I've heard them called alters too.

People that are diagnosed with DID deal with it differently.  I don't expect that anyone deals with it the same way that I do.  I hope there are similarities and that together we can know that we are not alone.  Having DID, for me, is sometimes a blessing and other times a curse.  I will get into that at other times I'm sure.

This is a very short explanation of DID because I am still learning what it is myself.  What I know is how it has been for me.  That is the purpose of my blog.  Even if no one else reads it.  I want to remember how I got through this time in my life.