5 senses

Do you think that everyone has a reason for liking something or not?  The 5 senses.  Do they carrie memories?  Is there always, and I mean always, a memory attached?  Good or bad?  Is the reason I like the taste of bubble gum because I remember hiding my closet sneaking Bazooka gum from my brothers drawer and that was the one piece of joy in my life at the age of 4?  Or is it simply because I like bubble gum?  I loved looking at the pictures wrapped around each piece of gum. Is the reason I hate, and I mean hate, when I get a high pitched ringing in my ear because I was trained to do things that I will never forgive my self for when I heard that noise?  Or is it simply because it's an annoying sound?  The ocean.  Do I love listening to the ocean because I don't have anything negative to associate it with?  Or do I just like the sound of the ocean?

Try to think about it.  Think of the things you like that have to do with sight, smell, taste, touch and sound.  Now think about why you like them.  Why do you like them?  Can you rack your memory for anything that you can think of that might give you a memory to why you like it?  Anything?

Now think about all the negative things that have to do with sight, smell, taste, touch and sound.  Why do they bother you?  Is there anything in your past that might possibly taint why you feel like that?

What I'm thinking, is that it's possible that our experiences to shape us.  Completely shape us.  They shape our likes.  They shape our dislikes.  Now, maybe they don't shape everything.  But you have to admit.  Isn't possible that they do?

Love

I've been having more memory coming.  I don't like it when that happens.  It tends to happen in floods. It usually doesn't happen one at a time.  I wish it did.  I think it would be easier to deal with if I could focus on one at a time.  Instead, I get to try and balance 3 or 4 while still keeping my outside life together.  It's quite a circus show.

I have noticed somewhat of a pattern though.  Now, I find myself looking back.  Has there always been some kind of a pattern?  Who knows.  Maybe there sometimes is a pattern and sometimes there isn't.  I guess it doesn't really matter either way.  They come, I deal, and sometimes they leave :)

So, the pattern right now is....drum roll?  Programming.  Yes.  I'm trying to make light of it.  It's actually been really hard for me.  I'm starting to remember how I was programmed for certain things.  I think it's the beginning of learning how to de-program what they taught me.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to stop the programming, but I am going to learn what it is so I can start learning.

For example.  At the end of phone conversations, I often say "I love you".  There are certain people that I always say it to.  I always kind of shutter when people say it to me.  Mainly on the phone, but also face to face.  I didn't know why either.  I love you is meant to be a positive thing.  It's meant to make someone feel warm cared about.

My family always says "I love you" on the phone.  Might not seem weird to someone.  Might seem like we have a very loving family.  False.  I don't want to go into detail about how they programmed me or what they programmed me to do and feel when this was said, but be assured.  It was not a positive thing.  No it was not.  But now I know.  It does make a lot more sense now.  Doesn't make it any less painless, but it does give me hope.  Hope that I can learn to feel love from others.

I find that I say it to my kids all the time.  BUT I say it to them with a completely different meaning.  I say it to them because they are important to me.  I care about them.  Maybe someday soon I'll like it when someone says they love me.  I know how to love others.  I just don't know how to feel love from them.

Mom

I've been having lots of dreams about my growing up family.  Lots.  They aren't all memory dreams, but I know some of them are.  Not all of them are scary, but all of them have my mom in them.  Sometimes she's scary.  Other times she acts like a friend or like she doesn't know me at all.

When my mom is scary, I feel afraid of adult women.  I haven't felt like this often in the past, but I have more and more the past few weeks.  Adult women, doesn't matter who they are, give me an afraid feeling inside.  When she acted liked a friend, I have wanted her in my life.  I've wanted to be with her. I've missed her.  I've thought a lot about her and cried a lot that I don't have her in my life.  When she's acted like she doesn't know me, I feel confused.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  I feel like no one wants me.  How could they if my own mother doesn't know me?

I'm not sure what I think about dreams.  I don't know if they are suppose to mean something or if they are just random.  I've decided that I need to look at how they make me feel and how they change my actions.  That's what's important for me to get from the dreams.

I have mixed emotions about the past family dreams.  I wake up confused.  I can't tell if I want my family or if I want to stay away.  I think that parts are confused too.  I think some of them want my family.  They long for them.  They feel like something is missing.  I feel that too.  Then there are other parts that don't want my family.  They don't need them.  They are strong and independent.  I feel that too.

But what wins?  Which parts will be the ones to decide our path?  I like to believe that I, the core, am the strongest and that I would be the one to make that decision.  I like to think that I'm the one making all the decisions.  That's what I want, but unfortunately that's not always the case.

No Worries

Someone said to me the other day, "remember when you were little and you had nothing to worry about?"  I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled to myself and said "ya" when in reality, I had no idea what that felt like. 

  I've often wondered what it would be like if I had had that kind of growing up.  The kind of growing up that the hardest thing going on is what shirt to wear to school that day.  Instead, I lived in fear.  I was afraid of everything.  My parents, my family, teachers, friends, family, darkness, certain lights, certain noises, animals, many smells, etc.  You name it, I was probably afraid of it.  I also did not trust anyone. Made life lonely.

As a child, I also felt like an adult.  I felt trapped inside a child's body. So many of the things I was experiencing as a child were things that should only be experienced by an adult.  I felt grown up.  I never felt taken care of.  I never felt loved.

Lots of worries for a little girl.  Lots of worries still.  It's actually really weird to me to think that people had childhoods full of no worries.  Maybe someday I'll understand what that feels like.  Maybe I won't, but hopefully my children will.

Profound!

I figured something out today.  It's probably something that has been sitting right in front of my face for a long time, but today I connected the dot.

I haven't had therapy for a while now.  Not because I don't need it.  Not because I don't want it.  It's because my therapist needed to take some time off to take care of herself.  I don't like the idea of starting with someone new.  My parts don't like it either, but is it something we need?

I could argue both ways, but I decided on doing work on my own.  Still have a babysitter twice a week and use that time to work through memories, thoughts, and life.  I've been doing a little writing when memories come up, but I've done a lot of thinking.  A lot of meditating.  Hopefully this will be a place that I can begin sharing my thoughts on a consistent basis.  Now that I don't have my therapist as my sounding board, this blog will be where I share some of my thoughts.  Expect weekly updates from me...hopefully.

Ok.  So, here's what I figured out.  A lot my thoughts are my parts.  Profound right?  Let me explain.  Often when I think something, it's a part communicating to me.  I noticed it when I was having a very irrational thought.  I wondered where I had come up with that, and then I thought, "we were told that you idiot!"  Hmm.  Luckily it was a quiet moment in my house, which doesn't happen often, and I was able to sit and think about that.

I've often had a conversation with myself in my own mind, but I thought of it as normal. And maybe it is, but for me it is different.  I thought of it as me talking to me.  I didn't think of it as a separate part of me trying to let me know something.  I don't know who was speaking to me or why they decided to let me know it was them, but I believe that knowledge is power and I'm glad to have that piece of information. In the past, I've expected to hear a different voice.  I expected to know that it was someone else talking to me when in reality it's always just been me.

Now I know what to listen for, maybe I'll be able to cope on my own a little better.

Feeling Consumed

Bad dreams.  Hate em.  I've had a lot of them lately.  Usually I talk about them with my therapist, but I'm not going to be seeing my usual therapist anymore.  I'm feeling really nervous about it.

When she first told me that she couldn't see me anymore it felt surreal.  I knew what she was saying, but it didn't feel like that could ever happen.  I'm going to see her tomorrow, but that will be my last appointment.  It started to hit me two days ago.  The reality of it.  It connected with me that I'll only see her one more time and it's created a panic inside myself.  

I knew parts were upset, but I've been able to push through it.  I've been able to block out and fake what was coming.  Not anymore.  Now it feels like I'm constantly having a panic attack.  My heart is racing and racing.  It won't slow down.  My breathing is shallow and fast.  I try to concentrate on it so that I can calm down, but the more I try and calm down the more anxious I get about what's coming.

How can I do this?  How can I start over with someone new?  How can I reconnect with someone in a way like I've connected with her?  She's been my rock for the past 3 years.  She's gotten me through so many things.  She's helped parts feel safe.  She's helped me feel safe.  She's shown me the person I want to be when I am through all this shit.  She's helped me see, at times, that I can get there.

Back to the dreams.  I need some advise.  Sometimes thinking out loud helps me come up with my own solutions.  I'm hoping that this is one of those times.  Now that I'm not seeing the one person I trust with these dreams, how to I cope with them?  I've tried the techniques my therapist taught me, but it isn't working yet.  I feel like I'm not ready to put them where they need to go without guidance, but I don't feel like I have anyone else to have help me through them.

Dreams and not having my safe haven.  It is consuming me.

The mornings I have therapy

Today was a hard day.  Harder than I had anticipated it being.

The mornings I have therapy, I usually do better.  I look forward to connecting with someone who gets me.  Someone that I know cares.  Someone that calls me out on stuff and gives me work so that I can get better.  Someone that makes all parts of me feel loved.  Today was no different.  I went to bed knowing that in the morning I would feel better.

The mornings I have therapy, I always know it will be worth it.  I don't feel as stressed.  I get up and ready without fighting it.  Every other day it's a chore to just get out of bed.  Every other day I wonder if it's worth it.  Sometimes it's not and I stay in bed.  Sometimes I talk myself into thinking it is and then it's not worth it.  Sometimes I just get up and it is a better day.

The mornings I have therapy, my system is calm.  Parts of me are getting ready on the inside as I get dressed on the outside.  They take an inventory of each other to see who needs to talk today.  Who is most important this time.  Often the ones that need it most get shut out.  Partly because they don't want to push the others out of the way.  Partly because they want others taken care of before them.  Even if they feel like they are going to crumble.  They get ready every morning.  Patiently wait for their turn.  Wanting someone to notice that they are there and that they need help.

The mornings I have therapy, I make sure I am on time.  I want to spend every second I can in that room. It's my sanctuary.  It's the only place I can be me.  It's the only place we can be us.  We make the drive as our mind wonders where we'll go today.  What will our work be?

The mornings I have therapy, I feel more connected with myself and with who I am than any other day.  I wonder what we will learn about ourselves today that we didn't know yesterday.  I wonder what my parts have to teach me.

Today was a hard day.  Harder than I had anticipated it being.

Expectations

 Expectations are funny things.  I want to think that I don't expect a lot from others, but maybe I do.

I usually enjoy being with others.  I hear about people that have all these wonderful friends that help them get through hard times.  I have great friends.  I don't have many, but the ones I have I love.  After a lot of thought I've found the problem.  Me.  Shocking I know.

I am a complainer in this department.  I complain a lot about how lonely I am and about how busy other people are.  A lot, most, okat all of the problem stems back to me.

The problem begins when I start having a hard time.  I find that I don't ask for help.  I don't let people know that I'm struggling.  I don't know why I do this.  Maybe it's because I'm embarrassed that I struggle.  Stupid.  Everyone struggles and it's okay if they do, but I tend to think that I am the exception to the rule.  It's not alright for me to struggle.  So I hide.  I become overly busy, when often I am just making up that I'm busy so that people don't see me fighting to stay afloat.  Then guess what I do.  I get feeling sorry for myself because people don't help me.  Lame.  They don't even know that I need help!

I've started asking for help.  It's hard.  Really hard.  A lot of the time they still can't be there.  I need to be okay with that.  I need to make a list of things people can do when they are able to help me.  When asked what they can do, my usual response is "probably nothing".  I feel like that a lot.  There really isn't much people can do.  I have expectations of them helping me, but how?  I don't even know.  Here are a few things that I think would help on a typical day.

-Help with my kids

-Spending time with me

-Big hugs

Hmm.  Short list, but that's all I can think of right now.  My kids, and the noise that comes with them, sometimes is too much for me.  A quiet break helps me calm down.  Hugs are awesome.  I love hugs from people I trust.  I wasn't hugged as a child and it's something that really helps me feel loved.  When I feel especially sad I like to curl up on the couch and put my head on someones lap.  I sometimes lay on my kids lap, but they just laugh and move their legs.  They can't seem to sit still for more than a few seconds at a time.

To sum it up, I guess I expect others to fix my being sad.  I don't know how they can, but I want them to.  Not very realistic.

Bed

I have spent the day in bed.  I didn't get up until about 2 when my husband literally drug me out of bed.  He drug my body across the floor while I tried to pull away.  I was pathetic really.  I was gabbing walls with my feet as I was pulled past them.  It took him 45 minutes to get me in the car.  All because I didn't want to get up.  I didn't want to face the day.  It seemed too hard.  And it was.

I wish someone were here.  I'm afraid to be alone.  I want someone to just come sit.  Someone that I feel comfortable with so it doesn't feel awkward to be silent.  I don't want to talk.  I don't want noise.  I want a shoulder to cry on.  I want someone to understand how hard life is right now.  I don't need them to fix it.  I'm realizing that it probably can't be fixed.  I'm a fighter, but giving up seems so easy.

Death

I've had death on my mind a lot lately.  My death for a good part of the time.  I wonder where my story would go if I died.  Would it be shared or would it just fizzle off and be forgotten?

  I don't know.  I am afraid of death in every sense of the word.  Death becomes an obsession for me.  Something that I can't not think about.  I'm really having a hard time getting it out of my mind.  Is it that I so often want to die that it's really hard to think of anything else?  Is it going to win?

I also think a lot about loosing people close to me.  This comes in spurts.  Sometimes it bothers me and I think about it more then others.  Right now I think about it a lot.  What if one of my children died?  What if my husband died?  What if one of my close friends died?  I'm not sure how I would handle it.  I'm sure not well.  Right now I struggle so much to do anything.  Dealing with a big loss like that would be unbearable.

Does anyone else ever feel like they focus on death too much?  I don't want to, but the more I try to not focus on it, the more I do.  The more I try to not think about it, I do.  It's becoming an obsession that I am afraid of.  Something that I'm afraid is going to win.

I have been trying to look at, notice and enjoy the positive things in my life to get me out of the depression I am in.  It is hard to focus on the happy things when they are unexpecidly shattered by visual flashbacks of honorific scenes from my past.  I can't open my eyes because of what I see, but I can't keep them closed because of what my mind sees.  Very frustrating.  It almost feels like my two worlds are combining.  Not in a good way either.  Sometimes it's hard for me to decipher if I am in the past or the present.  I feel lost.  I feel stuck.  I want to run away from everything in my life.

Lost Contact

I have lost a lot of contact with my parts.  A lot of communication that use to be there is now gone.  Basically all of it.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Any thoughts?  There was a time, a long time ago, when I wasn't ever able to work with them.  I couldn't help them and didn't really know that they even existed.  I knew I lost time.  I knew I didn't have all the pieces to my past, but until a few years ago I didn't know that they were completely split from who I thought I was.  I'm not sure if they knew we were split or if they thought the same way I did.  I have come a long way over the years.  What if that doesn't matter and those parts of me are now trapped back in the past so strongly that I have to start at square one.  I can't deal with that.  I know it will break me.

Anyways, I am guessing that parts are stuck. Not all of them, but maybe some?  What does it mean to have parts stuck?  How do they get there?  What I mean by this is that they aren't reachable.  They aren't reachable because they are stuck in a past memory.  I'm not sure if saying they are stuck is the best way to describe it though.

I don't know what to do.  I'm loosing time.  That makes me nervous.  I have been trying to stay up and in control, but no matter what I do I still can't account for all of my time.  I decided to make a list of things that have changed in my outward life to see if I can backtrack what's changed my inside life.

-New baby

-Moved

-Oldest started kindergarten

-Busy support people

-Very little therapy

-Husband away at school

-No money

-Not sleeping much

Ok.  Those are the big changes that people looking on the outside would notice.  I may have missed one or two, but that's what stands out to me at this moment.  Now I'm going to list a few things that have been going on in my head.  Thoughts that have been negative that may be affecting my lack of communication with the rest of my system.

-I'm a bad mom

-I'm an awful wife

-I miss having an extended family

-People are too busy for me

-I want to hurt myself

-I dwell on death

-I'm fat

-I'm not attractive

-I hate being married to a med student

-I pity myself

That's a good start.  I have more, but I'm not finding it helpful to list everything.  I guess there are a lot of possibilities as to why things are the way they are.  I'm still sad about it.  I still am sick to my stomach about it.  I still cry in the middle of the night about it.

Blame

I want to blame others. I want to blame them for my struggles.  I want to blame them when I feel sad.  It's not their fault I'm sad.  I am choosing to feel sad.  MY choice.  Hard to remember that when I feel so shitty.

I find that I tend to point my finger when things go wrong.  I have done that for a long time and I have been working on not doing it.  I either blame the people in my past that abused and tortured me or I blame the current people in my life for not being available when I need them.  Not a good habit to be in.  Blaming others.  Ya.  Still working on that.

I often am a needy person.  If I, myself, am not the one that needs something there is a part that does.  If you put all the parts of me together, I pretty much always need someone for something.  I had someone explain it to me using an analogy.  It's like a person with a terminally ill family member.  Hospice is used because the family member that takes care of the ill one needs a break.  I don't feel bad about them comparing that to me and I completely understand where they were coming from, but it sure has made me think a lot.

I don't want to be that person. 

Here is what's hard for me.  How can I need people less?  It's hard because each part is individual.  I often don't ask for things because I don't want to be the kind of person that is "terminally ill".  Other parts (I don't like to them by calling them parts, but I don't know how to explain it differently) still come up and demand help.  Most of them are young and don't understand boundaries as much as the older ones.  At the same time I don't feel like I am taken care of or cared about because people get worn out from being around me.  Totally confusing.  Sorry.  I'll try to explain it better.   How do I go about getting help and feeling cared about without people needing breaks from me?  I really do want some advise.  To someone that doesn't fully understand, my getting help and my 2 year old part getting help is helping the same person.  We feel separate.   Yes, we share the same body but we have very different needs.  I'm sure it's hard for others to help us when they spend so much time helping and we still need so much.

I'm not sure there is an answer.  It feels impossible.

What I Need

Still here.  Still feeling the same.

I have been especially anxious the last few days.  I am starting to get shingles.  Could that be from all the anxiety and stress I have been feeling lately?  I don't like it.  I can't settle my mind down.  I feel like ramming my head into a wall over and over again just so that I can get it to slow down.

I don't spend a lot of time with my kids.  Bad mom.  Recently they make me feel sad.  I don't like saying that.  I don't like admitting that.  I could hold them close all day and cry the entire time.  I could sit them on my lap, and hold them as tight as I could and just sob.  Even thinking about them makes me feel sad.  Deep sadness and I don't know why.  Is it because I am trying to get love from them that I don't feel like I get anywhere else?  It's not their job to give me what I never had growing up, but am I looking for that somewhere and turn to them?  It's hard for me to feel loved right now.  I don't feel it.  I feel like I need it, but don't have it and can't find it.

I need a hug...

but not just a normal hug.  No, I want one of those pick me up off my feet, squeeze me tight, spin me around, hurts my tummy, but still makes me smile, leaves me breathless, gives me butterflies, makes me giggle stupidly kind of hug.

Depressed Anxiety

I'm not really sure what to post about today.  I've been struggling so I thought I thought I would just try writing.

Life is hard right now.  I don't want to be a complainer though and I feel like I might come across that way.  I feel like I'm dealing with a million things all by myself and it's feeling really overwhelming.  I almost can't stand it anymore.  I try really hard to be tough and to do things as independently as I can, but right now I'm reaching the end of my rope.

It might sound like a weird concept, but I feel overtaken with depression and anxiety at the same time.  I know those seem like opposites and you might be thinking "how can she feel both at the same time?".  For those of you that haven't experienced those may not understand, but those of you that have know what I'm talking about.

They are two very different things, but not.

Depression is defined as: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.  That makes it sound complicated, and I guess it can be.  Sometimes it seems so simple, but when you are deep into depressions grasp it is much more complicated.  It seems ridiculous to be feeling the way you do, but you can't help it and that makes you more depressed.

Anxiety (panic) is defined as: an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart, and other physical symptoms.  I chose to define more panic because that is what I feel a lot of the time.  Seems opposite to the depression definition huh?  They may seem very different, but here are two ways they come together for me...

1. My body seems to be depressed, but my mind is experiencing anxiety

I lay in bed not moving.  I can feel so much deep depression that I feel like I physically can't move my body.  It feels like it is sinking into the bed.  My muscles are sore and heavy.  The very thought of moving is exhausting.  At the same time my mind is racing.  I can't slow it down.  It bounces from one thing to another.  Sometimes it's things that need to get done.  Sometimes it's from my past.  Good and/or bad.  Sometimes it's what's going in now and sometimes it's what I see down the road.  Either way it is moving at such a speed I feel like my mind might explode.  Like it's running around a race track and can't be stopped, all while my body is motionless.

2. My body is experiencing anxiety while my mind is in the depression

 My body can't hold still.  It physically can't do it.  I pace the house.  If I sit my body shakes.  If I stand I sway.  I can feel my body sweat because I'm trying to hold myself still.  I feel out of control of my body.  Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode.  I gasp for air as I grab my chest thinking I'm having a heart attack.  My leg shakes.  My arms shake.  My insides feel like they are shaking, but my mind is calm.  I sad calm.  A withdrawn calm.  An I don't care calm.  A calm that I can't explain very well.  I wish I could, but it's an experience that would only make sense if you had experienced it yourself.

Anyways, life is hard right now.  Switching from one of these things to the other is hard.  I feel tired all the time.  I feel depressed all the time.  I feel anxious all the time.  I feel alone.  I feel sad.  I wish I didn't.  I want out. 

Unaccounted for Time

It's been awhile.  Sorry about that.  I blame my unaccounted for time.  Not a fan.  I use to be, but not anymore.  I use to like it because I didn't feel accountable for what would go on.  For some reason that didn't bother me.   It is still hard to feel accountable because I don't know what is going on when it is going on.  I need to be accountable though.  It's still me regardless of if I remember it or not.  Even though my mind is broken into segments because of the trauma we only have one body that we share.

I've been loosing a lot more time.  I use to loose tons of time, but the past couple of years I have gotten more control.  Only loosing a little time now and then and when I did loose time I could communicate with other parts and figure out what had gone on.  Right now it is different.  I don't know what has been going on and I have been loosing tons of time again.  Does anyone have any ideas as to why this is happening?  Here are my ideas.

1. I don't communicate with relationships as much as I use to

2. Time of year

3. Parts are feeling neglected and want to act out

4. Financial stress

5.Family stress (extended family)

6. Family stress (personal little family)

7. Hormone changes

8. No communication between parts

It could be a combination of things.  It might be none of them.  All I know is I am loosing time and I don't like it.  It has left me with sleepless nights, a shaking body and a mind that won't stop moving a million miles an hour when I am in control, which isn't much.  I'm nervous that if I don't get a handle on it, things could get worse.  Not things on the inside, but my outside physical life.  That is a scary thought for me.  I have come a long way.  I don't want to go backwards now.

Emotional Survival

Have you ever had to depend on someone for something and been disappointed?  I gotta be honest.  I don't like depending on other people, but I often need to.  If there is something that needs to be done, I typically like to be the one that does it.  It's hard for me to count on others for things.  I think part of it is because I like to be in control.  Am I always in complete control?  No.  Do I hate it when I'm not.  Yes.

There are times in my life when I really need the help of others.  Those times come in chunks.  Times when I need people a lot and times when I don't.  Whether it's me or another part of me that need something, doesn't matter.  It's still me right?  What happens if that person can't be there?  Am I ok?  Are parts ok?  I would like to say yes.  I would like to say that we are able to work things out on our own, and in a way I guess we are.  Is it a healthy way in which we work things out?  Not really.  Do we survive through it?  Yes.  Emotionally I would say that no.  We don't emotionally survive through it every time, but does our body survive?  Yes.

Here is my question.  What do you do when you feel like you don't emotionally survive?

Here are a few coping skills that I try.  I don't think they are exactly for the emotional aspect of surviving, but they are my only coping skills.  Not all of these work and not all of them are healthy, but usually I can find one that helps a little.  It also changes every moment for what will work.  When I am especially panicked I usually start with the unhealthy ones, but if I notice the feeling coming early enough I try the healthier ones first.  It depends on how instant the feelings are and what the feelings are that make me feel like I need to do something else.  They are in no particular order.

Sleeping lots

Eating

Not eating

Cutting, burning, hitting, etc. (self harm)

Blogging

Cook

Look through my box (I'll explain this another day.)

Listen to music

Read
Take a bubble bath

Watch TV

Run

Cry

Draw

Scream

Self talk

Organize something

Call a friend

These are all things that I can do on my own.  Not things I need to depend on others for (usually).  I don't have a lot of time for these things, but when I start to panic or feel like I can't keep going, I try these.  It usually takes me trying a few of these before I find one that calms me down.  It also might take me trying the same one a few times.

Faking It

Why am I able to fake doing well when I'm out and about when inside I feel like I'm a disaster?  Even at home with my family I do it.  I don't like that I do it, but I feel like it's out of my control.  Sometimes I try really hard to not do it, but it still happens.  I think in some situations it's a good thing.  I don't want everyone I meet to see how hard life is for me right now.  I still want my privacy, but when it becomes an issue is when the people that are closest to me don't know how hard my struggle is.  When I can let my guard down and don't.

I don't want people to think that I've felt this down forever.  I haven't.  I have actually been doing really well, but there have been recent things happen that have spiraled me down.  It's hard to ask for help especially when everyone thinks I'm doing well.  It's also hard because I don't know what people can do to help.  If people offer to help in some way, I honestly have no idea what they could do to be helpful.

There is some kind of switch that happens to make me do this. I'm wondering if there are other people that struggle with this.  There are a few reasons that I might be doing it.  It could be one of these or a combination of them.

One could be because when I was little I was never allowed to show how I was really feeling.  Even inside my own home.  I was programmed to hide and even though I don't need to I still do it.  When I did show my true feelings we were always punished.  In private.


It could also be because I am afraid for people to see the real me.  I don't even know if I want to see the real me sometimes.  I am afraid that when people see me they will leave.  When they see how I am they will be afraid or it will become too much for them.  It's overwhelming for me at times and I don't want to be a burden to other people or have people feel sorry for me.  I hate that.


What's a good balance?  When should I plow through and just make it seem like life is great and when should I let my guard down and cry?

Not so obvious change

There have been many changes happening in my life.  I wrote about change in my last post, but this one is a little different.  I've now started to try and think about things that have changed that I would not notice.  Things that aren't as obvious.  Having a baby.  That is a big obvious change.  I'm talking about subtle things.  Things like school ending.  With school ending I would be home all day.  A lot more time for things to happen.  Why is that an important yet subtle change today when I'm not in school?  Because to certain parts this was an important time of year.  Is it for me in my current life?  Not particularity, but because it was an important time to someone inside it may still be affecting my daily life.  How?  Not sure.  This is just a thought of what else might be causing my hard times.

Not only is school coming to an end, summer is starting.  So it may be a seasonal thing.  With summer, there were probably a lot more things done outside because the weather is nice.  It's not too cold to do things at night. Again.  Not a real important thing in my life right now, but to someone inside it still feels like the time when those things were happening.  They are trapped there.  It's confusing for them to hear that it's different now.  Some of them don't like to hear it because they don't think the life we have now is our real life.

I am triggered by certain summer activities as well.  Swimming (water in general), camping, vacations, flowers, etc. are all things that seem normal, but to me aren't.  It's hard because I am desperately trying to create happy, normal memories for my own children.  It seems impossible when the activities I begin with my kids are so triggering it pulls me, or parts of me, into a terrible memory that feels almost paralyzing.  Sometimes I can fake through it, but often I can't.

People.  This one is tough.  I have the tendency to take things personally.  I don't mean to and logically I know that it isn't me, but so many parts or experiences in my life have trained me to believe that people leave.  It is one of my biggest fears I think.  I have many fears so I probably shouldn't compare.  I have a battle in my own mind that goes back and forth.  One says: "They are only telling you they are busy.  They are really trying to get away from you."  The other says: "That's ridiculous.  Kids are out of school and they have a lot more going on at home."  All of my friends right now seem to be really busy with life.  It's triggering for me to have everyone so busy.  Even if I don't need them.  Knowing they are busy is enough to send me into a panic.

These are the not so obvious things in my life right now that are adding to my stress and depression.  I have no idea how to fix these things.  Frustrating.

Change

I feel like when it rains, it pours.  How many things can happen in the space of two weeks?  I am amazed.  There really isn't a point in listing all the things that have happened.  The point of it all is that change, good or bad, is often stressful.  There are many emotions that come from stress.  At least for me.  I switch emotion right now every minute, but the most constant is deep, dark depression.

What is depression?  Without looking it up, here is my definition: one of the most shitty mental states known to man.

What causes depression?  Again, without looking it up, here is my thought: anything.

Everyone has trials.  How is it that some people seem to handle the "stress" of change so well while others crumble?  I have the same questions in my own mind.  How is it that some parts handle the daily trials we have while others can't seem to function?  How can I help the ones that need it when I am struggling to open my eyes every day?  How do I know when there is a need among parts when all I can feel is the darkness that one or more of the parts feel?

With all the horrors going on in the world, why is there hope for change?  Maybe there isn't a lot of hope.  Maybe it's just change.

Having a baby

So, I thought I would see what people with DID feel like when they are about to have a baby.  I have been wondering if what I feel is normal to people with or without DID. (Some of this can apply to men with DID becoming fathers)

I already have 2 boys.  Love them.  Lots.  I am now pregnant with a girl and I am really freaked out.  I felt more excited at first, but now I am scared.  I am worried that there are many things about her that will trigger me. (Does anyone else use the word trigger?)  Here are a few of the things I am worried about.  As usual they aren't in any particular order.

1. Will looking at her remind me of myself at a young vulnerable age?  Remind me to the point of not being able to look at her, take care of her, etc.

2. If it does trigger me to an unmanageable point, will I be able to ask for the help I need or will I completely shut down and pretend like everything is fine?  That's what I often do.

3. Will changing her diaper or bathing her scare me as much or more than it did with my boys, again bringing up my own memories?

4. Will all of us, as collective parts, be able to handle the daily efforts it raise a child?  Especially in addition to the boys.

5. Will her cry scare me and send me into a memory or make me react in a way I know I will regret?

These are just a few of the things I worry about for when the baby is actually here and I am suppose to be the one in charge of her. I'm sure some of these will happen.  I can't expect them not to or to pretend everything will be easy. There are also things that are already scaring me and sending me into bad memories and terrifying flashbacks about the labor and birth aspect of it.  Without getting at all graphic, here are a few of those fears.

1. How can I stay in control when other parts are taught to come up when feeling pain or when I become extremely afraid?

2. How do I explain to my young parts what is going on?  Even when I try, they don't understand.  They just know it's scary and hurts.

3. How do I not be embarrassed if (when) I do loose control and younger parts come up?

4. How do I explain to my husband that there will be parts that want him away when he's the one that should be there holding my hand?

I know I will not be able to do this on my own. I want to be strong enough to do that, but how?  I want to have normal fears about it.  I want to be able to handle this, but it's not realistic of me.  I am scared.  I am admitting that I don't know what to do.  Do I just do my best and call it a day?  I cry hard thinking of how hard this is going to be.  Must be the hormones because I am NOT a crier.  Oh well.  At least I can blame the hormones for a few more weeks.  Then I'll know it's just me :)

What Causes Switching?

Well, it's been over 2 months since I last posted on this blog.  Probably not the best idea because it was a tough couple of months and the reason I created this blog was to see how much I've grown over time.  I will try to be better about posting through the hard times and not avoiding it.

Today I have been thinking about why I switch a lot at some times in my life and not as much during other times.  (When I use the word switch I am talking about loosing time, other parts are up, I'm not in charge of my own body, etc.)  It could be a few reasons I guess.  Here are some of the possibilities I've come up with so far.  I'm sure I've missed a few, but I'll post about those when I think of them.  They are in no particular order.

1-Stress.  My outside life gets too stressful for me to manage so other parts come up to try and help.  This can be any "normal" outside thing.  Kids, spouse, weight, school, money, chaos, disorder, etc.  Any stress in my life.  Not always having to do with trauma.

2-Triggers. This can be a bunch of different categories of it's own. I'll make a few sub categories under it. These are touch because I am still learning what triggers me.  Some things I am aware of, but others take me by complete surprise.  When I come back in control is when I need to try and figure out what it was that triggered me in the first place so I can try to avoid that or learn to deal with it on an appropriate level. I am not able to do that on my own at this point, but I am learning.

a.) Sight-things that I see can cause a switch without notice

b.) Smell-things I smell can cause me to switch without notice
c.) Touch-different textures can cause me to switch without notice
d.) Sound-things I hear can also do the same.

One way that I can learn my triggers is by checking in with whatever part came up when triggered.  The hard part for me right now is that I don't always know who that was.  With the help of my therapist I am learning to figure this out.  Things I have noticed are the smell of flowers, sound of running water, dogs barking and the sight of blood.

3-Flashbacks. These are probably my least favorite.  Not that I have a favorite.  These are the most scary to me and other parts.  For me there are four kind of flashbacks.  Again, I am probably missing some obvious ones, but for now these are the ones I've come up with.

a.) asleep

b.) awake

c.) full memory

d.) partial memory

Sometimes I have a flashback that comes in my dreams.  This is tricky for me because lot of people have scary dreams and it doesn't necessarily mean that it is a memory.  I have to really search my mind to decipher the difference.  Awake memories are usually easier to tell the difference, but those are hard because most of the time it is only a partial memory.  They come in chunks. I hate that. I feel like I'm left wondering what happened and I'm scared of when the next piece of information will come. I think the reason for only part of it coming is because I realize I'm having a flashback and my mind tries to change it's coarse so that it doesn't go there. I've been told that it could be because my mind knows how much I can handle at a time. Full flashbacks are usually in my dreams while partial flashbacks are usually while I'm awake.

Two Things

So, I've decided a couple of things.  First.  You might think that by having parts one might be less lonely.  Wrong.  I think that having parts makes someone more lonely.  That's how it feels for me anyways.  I feel like because of my parts I have a hard time opening up to people and letting them see who I really am.  Who we really are.  It is my own fault really.  I am too proud to let anyone see my vulnerable side.  I don't feel proud, but I can't think of a better word to describe it.  Maybe it is pride.  Maybe it's embarrassment.  Maybe it's fear.  I'm starting to learn what all these emotions mean.  I understand the definitions I think, but attaching the emotion to them makes them completely different.

Growing up I was never allowed to feel emotion.  If I were to feel an emotion I would be punished.  Always with the negative emotions and often with positive emotion.  Any emotion besides walking around like a smiling zombie was considered bad.  When bad things would happen I knew how to push those feelings away and appeared to deal with things well.  I realize that instead of dealing with that as a child I have been burying those and now it feels even more painful then before to try and feel them or even simply recognize them.  I am taking it slow, but I'm trying to figure out how to cope with feelings.  It feels like they are going to kill me when I begin to feel them.  Then up comes the wall.  Does anyone have advise for this?

The second thing I've decided is that there is a purpose for ALL people.  Some people are there simply to be a bad example.  They teach us what not to do.  I try really hard to not be the kind of parent my parents were.  I know that I am not perfect and that I make my own stupid mistakes, but I want to be damn sure I don't make the same stupid ass mistakes as my so called loved ones.  As I said.  Some people are around to simply be idiots so that we don't make the same mistakes.

Today sucks.

Blank Mind

I'm not really sure what to write about today.  I guess that's why it's been a little bit since I wrote last.  So here I am sitting at my computer typing who knows what.  I have felt quite accomplished the past few weeks or so.  I don't know why, but I've been doing project after project.  It's been a good thing overall I guess because I can look at my day and see all the things I've done.  That's always a good feeling for me.  If I feel like shit, I can at least see that I did something with my day.  Realize that I am not always so accomplishing.

For example, today.  I had a memory come up that made me physically throw up.  I felt fine when I got up this morning before the memory.  I fed my kids breakfast and I even ate a small bowl of oatmeal squares with them.  (I am not a real big eater in the mornings.) About 2 minutes after I finished my cereal I had a flash of memory flood me and I grabbed the nearest bowl and started spewing my breakfast.  Nice huh?  My oldest son was wanting to help and felt sorry for me, but I wasn't sure how to handle him at the moment so I just told him I was sick and asked him to play with my younger boy so I could rest.  He was a big help today, which I needed.  I pretty much was on the couch all day.  Time flew.  I honestly couldn't even tell you what my mind was thinking all those hours.  I got up only to put my son down for his nap and go back to the couch.  I don't feel like I lost time either.  It felt like I was simply staring at the wall the entire day.  To say the least, I did NOT feel like I accomplished anything.  Sometimes, I would say, it's good to sit and think.  It can be very accomplishing and fulfilling.  Wasn't one of those days.  My mind felt like it was a complete blank, even though I am sure it wasn't.

Down

I'm feeling a bit depressed today.  Well, a lot depressed.  I hate when this happens.  I feel like I have control of my life and what's going on, then I find out things that have been going on without my knowledge.  That sucks.  It is probably one of the most frustrating things, to feel like I have no control of my own life.  I do have control most of the time.  At least I think I do.  What if I have less control then I think?  I haven't felt afraid for my children when they are with me and that's a big thing.  It's been at least a year since I worried about that.  I use to be afraid every second of every day.  My worry isn't for them.  It's for me.  Am I arranging things that put myself in danger?  If I am, I do not mean to and do not want to.  How am I to figure this out?  How can I put a stop to it if it is happening?  I feel deceived and tricked by my own self.  Other parts of me.  How do I make sure I am safe when I am not with my kids?  I know I am safe when I am with them.  They are the reason I fight every day.  By being responsible for them I am responsible for me.

Venting

Today sucked.  It did.  Full of shit if you ask me.  It's been a day where I've had so many f*%#ing images in my head from my past that it felt like a panic attack all day.  I couldn't escape it.  No matter how I tried to help myself it felt all encompassing.  I started it off bad and tried to self soothe, but screw it.  Nothing helped.  I feel like I tried it all.  I tried staying super busy and got into a huge project.  Didn't finish it and my kids were climbing all over everything, which made my organizing a bitch.  Didn't finish.  Note to self.  Never do a project when kids are around.  Especially when it has to do with their toys.  I tried not eating.  I tried eating.  I tried music. I tried resting and taking a nap.  I even took a bath, which I LOVE to do, but our bathtub can barely even be defined as such because it's so small.  My entire body was freezing, which just brought up more images.  My brother and his wife stopped by with about 30 minutes notice so I had to put on my social face, which I felt like I've tried to keep on all day anyways.  Good thing they didn't try and ask me any hard questions or I would have thrown them out of my damn house.  Time for bed.  It's early for me, but I feel that's where I belong right now.  My guess is that is I'll get triggered there too.  I have no where to go!

Comforting Ideas

I get frustrated when I blend with parts.  My parts are very different and I use to always lose time.  It's less often that I do that right now, but parts still do come up and take over at times.  For the most part they blend with me.  Well, I call it blending.  I don't know what other people call it.  For me, it's when I am in control, but can feel other parts mixing with me.  I'm not the only one in charge, but I have the most control.  It makes things hard for me.  I hate feeling like I don't have control.  I'm the one in charge of my body, but at the same time I don't have control.  I don't know how to explain it better.  I imagine it's like someone that has a fully functioning, sound mind, but doesn't have control of their body.

I was having an issue with that last night.  I did loose some time, but most of the time I felt like a child.  A really young child that needed someone to hold them, but I knew I was an adult and that I was not actually a little girl.  But at time same time, it felt like I was little and that I needed that.  The standard things I do to comfort myself weren't working.  It's an embarrassing thing for me when I feel that way.  I usually excuse myself from the situation I am in and try to comfort myself alone.  I don't think that's the best way to cope with my feelings, but I know myself well enough to know that I will probably continue doing it.  I think the reason I feel like that is because there is a young part of me that needs that.  I am too afraid of it to ask anyone to help me.  To hold me.  It sounds weird to ask for as an adult.  Do people without DID need that at times?  Not just a hug, but to really be held and comforted.  I guess I don't know.  I don't think I could ask anyone to do that.  Even if it were my husband.  Scares me too much.  I know he is safe, but my experiences with men contradict what I know about him. 

Chaos Inside

Do you ever have a day that seems to be going along great and then for no explainable reason you feel completely out of control?  That's been me today.  I have had it.  Day was going along fine.  I felt like I had accomplished what I wanted to for the day and then I get home and see my husband and I get all pissed off for no real reason.  I mean I lost it.  I was yelling at my kids, told my husband to leave me alone, and I came up to my room where I intend to stay.  Is this a choice I am aware of making?  Probably.  Do I care.  Nope.  Do I feel like myself right now?  Not exactly.  I can feel many other parts blending with me.  I am retyping everything because I am shaking so bad that I can't even keep control of my fingers.  I can't stay calm.

I get frustrated when this happens because I feel blindsided.  I don't know what set me off and my mind is racing so much that I can't calm down enough to try and figure it out.  Other parts can feel the chaos with in myself and the little ones start to panic.  I can feel them inside and it's happening now.  I don't know how to help them.  I feel trapped.  This is usually when I cut.  When I feel out of control.  I don't know what else to do.  For some reason hurting myself makes things calmer.  Even my physical body starts to settle down if I hurt.  I hate that too.  I feel like a crazy monster.  I feel like I have to hide when I hurt myself.  I don't want anyone to see what I've done.  But is it always really me?  Even if it's a different part that carries out the action?  Yes.  It is still me.  I still am the one that has to deal with living daily life cut and bruised.

Choices

I think some of the things I feel aren't necessarily associated with DID.  At least that's what people that know me tell me.  I like to hear that I have "normal" issues too, but what are normal issues?  I've kind of decided that everyone has their own, individual issues.  People struggle with different things every day.  I am no different.  Some of my daily struggles might not be a typical struggle, but some of them are.  I am a young mom to young kids.  I struggle with my kids at times.  Normal right?  Yet many times during the day I struggle with the urge to cut or hurt myself in some way.  Not normal right?  I am starting to learn to not always act on my urges.  If it's as simple as don't eat that extra piece of that amazing chocolate cake or as complex as don't pick up that razor blade.  Every time I am presented with a choice I try and make a conscious decision and not an impulsive reaction.  I am in a relatively good place right now and the decisions are typically easier, but that won't always be the case.  I am still realistic and know that I will probably choose to pick up that razor blade at times.  At that point I will start learning the process of forgiving myself.  Something I am not good at.

What is DID?

I guess I should start this blog with explaining what DID is.  Realize that I am not a scholar, doctor or therapist.  I am simply someone that lives with DID.  This is what DID means to me:

DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I guess that means that people struggling with this, have deeper issues than anyone really realizes. When someone has had such extensive trauma in their life sometimes the brain can no longer handle the information so the brain creates a "part" that holds the pain for that particular memory.  We will call them parts.  I'm not exactly sure that's what the experts do, but hey.  I am not an expert and I am used to calling mine parts.  I've heard them called alters too.

People that are diagnosed with DID deal with it differently.  I don't expect that anyone deals with it the same way that I do.  I hope there are similarities and that together we can know that we are not alone.  Having DID, for me, is sometimes a blessing and other times a curse.  I will get into that at other times I'm sure.

This is a very short explanation of DID because I am still learning what it is myself.  What I know is how it has been for me.  That is the purpose of my blog.  Even if no one else reads it.  I want to remember how I got through this time in my life.